Since 1870, Syracuse University has been offering the finest academics, athletics, and extracurriculars money can buy. Well, ok, maybe not the finest academics, athletics and extracurriculars. But certainly some fine academics, athletics and extracurriculars. They’re definitely not un-fine. We’ll call them fine.
The point is that it has come to my attention that many of you are upset, and I’d just like to shed some light on how it came to be that everyone hates me.
Since the dawn of the digital age, I have feared what all university officials fear as time passes: that I will, one day, wake up with weird ear hair. But, a more relevant fear was that we as an establishment would not be “with it” when it came to technology, that we wouldn’t have everyone in our Friendster circles, so to speak.
Thus, we invented MySlice.
Thinking back on the decision now, I realize that my choices may not have been the best. Especially that one night in Tiajuana. But mostly, my choices on behalf of the students at this university when it comes to technology. For one thing, I have no idea what the site is programmed in. I realize that some of you, using PCs, may have instances wherein you cannot log on, whereas others of you, using Macs, also have instances where you cannot log on. In fact, I would be shocked beyond belief if any of you has ever successfully been able to log on. For another thing, and this is a pure hypothetical, but if someone is able to log on and get AirOrange to maintain signal for longer than five minutes at a time, I would have no idea how to direct them to the appropriate section on the site. Nothing is labeled clearly and any time you click on an orange, I’m pretty sure it redirects to Tropicana or something. As I said in the beginning of this letter, I messed up.
In order to remedy the situation, here is what we are offering:
Many of you love our traditional university experience. There are basketball games, quad(s), oranges, some classes here and there, and frat parties. These are the things that allowed Syracuse University to become the institution it is today. And I want to ensure that everyone attending the university knows that these things still exist. They are great options for those who want a more traditional platform.
I am also quite confident that our online platform will grow and improve. Well, maybe not quite confident, but certainly confident. I’m definitely not un-confident. We’ll say I’m confident. The point is that everything is done online these days and we cannot afford to be behind, even if our attempt at technology is an exercise in futility.
Since we realized that we cannot have people confusing our great university with our haphazardly constructed web services, we have decided to change the name of MySlice. It will now be known as “A Piece.” I always hear people saying, “Wow, that car is such a piece.” I want what was formerly known as MySlice to have the same connotation as those cars, which I can only imagine are nice, like pieces of”¦cake? I’m not sure how that expression ends, but I’m sure it’s “that car is such a piece of cake.”
I’d also like to assuage any fears that our services will be changing with the name alteration. Let me be the first to assure you: they are not. Everything will be exactly as it was. You’ll still have Syracuse University, a proud institution with a storied heritage, and you’ll still have online services that, for all intents and purposes, were put together by a team of drunken parakeets.
The only difference is, we’ll now be charging you separately for both. So you’ll have your monthly fee for Syracuse and a new monthly fee for A Piece. With the extra money, we hope to unveil a brand spanking new Syracuse operating system in 2013 called A Piece OS. And forgive me for bragging, but it’s going to take “the cake.”
In closing, actions speak louder than words. Especially if the action is an explosion or something loud. Words, though, can ramble on for pages until you forget how unbelievably mad you were about an action.
Whoever-the-fuck Invented MySlice, Amateur Programmer of MySlice