On Thursday, officials from Hutchings Psychiatric Center in
Syracuse arrived on campus to retrieve one of their patients. Most SU students
know this man as James Gilroy, a psychology professor who teaches Drugs and
Human Behavior and Intro to Psychology.

“We apologize to the entire SU community,” said Hutchings
Representative Herbert Gray.

While SU officials were grateful for the apology, SU
students were not so thrilled to learn that the professor, who had become a
favorite among the student body, was leaving them.

“I learned so much from Professor Gilroy,” defended Rebecca
Lawrence, a sophomore psych major. “For instance, did you know that if you
combine LSD and Twizzlers, you hallucinate so badly that your body will
actually go into orbit? That’s crazy shit!”

Other students were not at all surprised by the news. “The
guy spent an awful lot of time just twitching and yelling at people that no one
else ever saw. I was pretty certain that he was certifiably insane. Or from
another planet. Actually, it would have made more sense if he was from another
planet”¦”

“We have never had this problem before, where a patient has
gone missing for such a long time,” said Mr. Gray.

Gilroy, whose real name is Daniel Steinwich, had been an SU
professor for the last 27 years. “Yeah, that’s my bad,” said Gray. “I must’ve
left the door open or something.”