According to a recent Daily Orange report, a drug called
Molly has taken over Syracuse University. Literally. There is an army of little
pills commandeering vehicles and enforcing martial law in the streets.

I kid of course. But not about the drug. Apparently it’s a
real thing.

Based (however loosely) on the DO article, the drug is the
purest form of MDMA, but its sources are questionable, sometimes made in
toilets, bathtubs, or the anus of a wild dog. Additionally, the drug has been
known to be laced with other drugs such as heroin, cocaine, or the feces of a
wild dog.

Said one girl, “My friends are constantly doing it. Not me,
of course, I never took it that one time and ended up trying to drink my friend’s
hair because it looked like a nest of Skittles,” adding, “That was someone

Crouse Hospital has seen an influx of students coming in
late at night and “trying to eat the ceiling lights.” Many officials are
concerned about this sudden increase in users, worrying that some students may
become addicted to happiness.

“With a drug like ecstasy, it becomes harder to come back to
Syracuse,” said Dr. Theodore Rubato, “a world where it rains 24/7, the sports
teams are a disappointment and you have to smoke plain old weed to get your
buzz on.”

Rubato added, “It doesn’t hurt to take it for erectile
dysfunction either.”

Shortly after Rubato’s comment, students and professors
alike chased down several wild dogs in order to manufacture some Molly. In the
dogs’ anuses.