seventy-five years the Syracuse Detective Club has solved mysteries throughout
the campus. From the famous case of the missing spermicidal to that red blot on
a chair in HBC. They have been waiting on hand and foot for any crimes that may
occur on campus. Although their existence has helped with the survival of the
students and professors, not everything has appreciated their presence. The
Department of Public Safety has repeatedly tried to keep the Detective Club out
of ongoing cases, and reportedly tried to shut them down. They have not
returned our phone calls.

Thursday at around 4 a.m. the Detective Club received an email from an S.I.D.
(Student in Distress). During the ride over to the dorm the lead Detective (whose
name I have chosen to withhold because of safety concerns) told me he doesn’t
do his job for the pay (there is none), to build his resume (it doesn’t), but
rather to get girls (I’m pretty sure he doesn’t either). We arrived at the dorm
shortly after and walked into the building. After arguing with the Residence
Hall Security Lady for a minute or two we busted into dorm room number 420. It
was there that the victims told us what had happened to them. Amidst the
constant giggling, the victims told us that their microwave wasn’t working and told
us that it was a total party foul as they wouldn’t be able to make Easy Mac.
The lead detective sprung into action. After examining the area for clues. He then
proceeded to follow the cord, which was unplugged. After plugging it in the
victim cheered for the Detective.

another successful day at the job” said the detective.