At 2:30 am wednesday morning, SU undergraduate and Alabama native, Bill Williamson was assaulted on the 600 block of Euclid Avenue by two unknown assailants. The suspects approached the victim and asked for directions before assaulting him with a bucket of glitter. They then fled the scene while the victim was stunned. The victim immediately called 911, and SPD responded minutes later.
While the glitteree did not sustain any injuries, he is really sparkly. When reached for comment he said, “I wish they had just taken my wallet. It takes like 5 minutes to cancel my credit card. Glitter is really fucking hard to get off.” The victim described both suspects as African American males, about 5’4″- 6’3″ tall, with 2 arms and 2 legs each, 16-35 years old, and both wearing clothes.
Syracuse Police Detective Mike Regal had this to say about the investigation. “If the descriptions are accurate, these are the same two guys that have been mugging SU students for about the last 4 years. I can’t say much about the investigation, but I will tell you that we are doing everything we can. Whenever we spot someone that matches the description, we beat them relentlessly. Unfortunately, none of them seem to have any idea what we’re talking about.”

UPDATE: Wednesday morning, 4 year old twins Sally and Sussie Smith confessed to the crime after their mother took away their cellphones. Mr. Williamson could not be reached for comment.