Many of you may have received an e-mail from the university, defending Jamie Dimon as the choice for commencement speaker. This is NOT the original letter, but it IS what SU was actually saying, in my opinion. Here is the translation:

Dear Students, Faculty and Staff,

We noticed that there have been concerns about the choice of Jamie Dimon as this year’s commencement speaker. Most speakers arouse (heh heh heh, arouse) a broad array of reactions. Every year, a committee gives me a long list of potential speakers, which I usually then burn and discard. This year was no different.

Mr. Dimon brings a “unique perspective” (i.e. he gave us a SHITLOAD of money!) from the field of business — a discipline that has not been represented by a University commencement speaker in at least 20 years. (I wonder why that was”¦) Whether you agree or disagree with the choice, there is no question that Mr. Dimon will play a key role in giving us a SHITLOAD of money. This is am especially special choice for those graduates with interests in business, who also have an interest in long, boring speeches. Plus, he gave us a SHITLOAD of money, which is why we really chose him.

In the past, Syracuse University has featured Joe Biden, Billy Joel, and Jane Goodall. They were all awesome stars. Mr. Dimon, may not be a star, but he did give us a ton of money. So you little shits are going to sit there, all still drunk, and you’re going to like it!

Jamie Dimon has been lauded for his “commitment” to education and innovation… in the form of lots of money. At Syracuse, we have seen the leadership he shows, as he endorsed (SEE? MONEY! I TOLD YOU THAT’S WHY HE WAS CHOSEN!) the far-reaching collaboration in Global Enterprise Technology between SU and the technology leaders at JPMorgan Chase. Beyond our campus, millions of people around the world recognize that Jamie Dimon is a leader whose voice is timely and seasoned. Except they don’t have to sit through one of his boring speeches.

Once again, I respect and value the array of reactions to this choice of speaker, but it comes down to this: he gave us a lot of money, and you gave us a lot of money. He just gave us more money than you. So he’s staying. Unless you want to give us money. We LOVE money.


Syracuse University