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All Students Drop Out Over Thanksgiving Break
“What the hell is going on?” Professor Tim Studdard whispered to himself as he walked into his Sophomore Biology section early this morning. This was a Monday just like every Monday before, except something was not quite right; No students were present in Studdards’ 300 seat Bio lecture. Professors all over Syracuse University were facing the same problem. Where were their students?
Statistically speaking, Thanksgiving break is when most students drop out. This was a banner year for statistics as not a single student returned to Syracuse University. Frustrated and scared of losing their jobs, professors began searching for someone, anyone, that they could lecture to. Professor McCarthy of the Philosophy department conducted his class as usual; his students? 3 squirrels and a group of janitors. “Today I taught a Jack Russell Terrier how to use Microsoft Powerpoint and he made a better slideshow than half the freshmen in my actual section.” exclaimed Information Science professor, Henry Dockler.
“Honestly, I don’t mind teaching to a group of homeless people, a pidgeon and a Wendy’s cup;” said Professor Dockler. “they actually want to be here. You know how many text messages that pidgeon sent during my class? None. Not a single text message.” Unfortunately, the professors’ excitement about not having to teach actual students was short-lived. This afternoon the school decided to close down indefinitely and the faculty were all let go. “NOT A SINGLE TEXT MESSAGE!” Professor Dockler could be heard screaming as he ran out the doors of Hinds Hall, through the quad toward the faculty parking lot.
This is Syracuse University’s edition of Pharrell’s “Happy”! The happiest students and staff took a break from the “Finals Week blues” and joined the Happy Team as we spread happiness all over campus. Thank you to each and every one of you who happily danced to lift our peers’ spirits. You are loved. MORE »
What do you get when you mix four SU students (one of which with a killer handlebar mustache) with Carly Rae Jepsens addictive song “Call Me Maybe?” Well, you get this. And… um, it’s interesting. The Cast: Polar Bear Shirt Dude- Justin Bieber Shirtless Handle Bar Mustache Dude- Ashley Tisdale Green Shirt Dude (Flailing Arms)-... MORE »
Student housing sucks, plain and simple. The one good thing about student housing is getting out of it and living with your buddies. Or, you know, that random family who doesn’t check their basement or attic enough to notice you living there… The only way to get a decent place to live, whether through the... MORE »
Picking classes at SU is a skill. Yes, some luck plays a role but ask any upper classman and they’ll tell you that preparation is key. So your friends at Campus Basement have complied a list of the five best classes to take next semester. If you can somehow take all five of these classes... MORE »
A close friend of mine went through a break up last semester, and within two hours of the blow fell into the cyclical motions of getting over her ex. We all know the cycle, or at least we think we do. First, she updated her Facebook relationship status. 50 likes, 23 “awww”, and 12 “finally”... MORE »
Sam’s dad bet him $100 that he couldn’t do one backflip (backflip, gainer, wallflip, etc.) each day of 2011. Well, let’s just say that Sam’s dad is now $100 poorer and Sam is probably dizzy as shit. Watch this amazing video of Sam doing crazy backflips all over Cuse. Pretty damn impressive. He also shoots... MORE »
Trailer # 2 for the movie/documentary I’m Shmacked. The purpose of this is go to 12 of the best schools around the country, choose one student to spend atleast 2 days there , document it to experience how the diversity differs at each college and what makes that school so special to its students. MORE »
Some advice from yours truly, Chrissy Ost. STOP BEING RUDE. 1.Say hello to people you know. Be the nice one, who says hi…the other person will be glad you said hello. 2.Walk with your head up. 3.Go one day not listening to music at all times on full blast. Just don’t use the ipod, listen... MORE »
April 27th was no ordinary Friday for Katrina Locke; nor was it for any other Syracuse student. It was a very special Friday: the mythical day known as Mayfest. Katrina, a lover of electronic music and raspberry alcohol, had pumped herself up for weeks upon weeks over Mayfest’s arrival. “This year will be different. This... MORE »
“I’m a reasonable man. I have no issues with a sorority girl loving her big. I get that it’s the 21st century. I’ll tell you what I do have a problem with: her shoving it in my face, and down my throat.” Said the student who wished to remain anonymous. “Okay, you love your big.... MORE »
With the news of Emma Roberts and John Cusack filming at Syracuse University buzzing around campus, many students were interested in much more than just spotting the two stars. Allegedly, Newhouse student after Newhouse student have approached the two “Adult World” stars hoping to cast one of them as the star for their TRF class... MORE »
In a strange and surprising turn of events Sunday afternoon, Syracuse University announced that they would be ‘fixing’ the university in response to the popular SU memes page. “We had no idea that tuition was so high. We were positively stunned when we were informed by Scumbag Steve.” said a representative from Syracuse University. “I... MORE »
Dunkin’ Donuts by Marshall St.–So you’re a purist, eh? The one in Schine just doesn’t meet all your caffeine-related needs? I bet you complain that the Taco Bell in Kimmel “just isn’t the same.” Well, it isn’t, but it’s not like you’ve ever been there sober anyway. Starbucks on Marshall St.–Arguably the best cup of... MORE »
1. On every essay exam, write 4 different ‘options’ as answers. On multiple choice exams, write long descriptions of your answer in the margins. Tell her you just don’t ‘get’ testing. 2. No matter what the subject matter is, whenever a question is asked in class, always relate your answer to Harry Potter. Hitler—>Voldemort. Jesus—>Harry.... MORE »
In response to a recent attempt by other Syracuse dorms to overthrow the residents of the posh residence hall, Ernie Davis, a competition has been organized that will ultimately kill two residents of each of the other SU residence halls. “We really wanted to make this competition our own. There are too many humanitarian groups... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! Peel Otto open. Crawl inside. Burrow yourself. Were talking two birds here: food and warmth. Let the force be with you. Pay a group of freshmen... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite! College students, behold, one of the best creations our society has bestowed upon us: New Years Eve. Alas, the day in which we ring in the new... MORE »
This article is part of our “Let’s Keep This Website Awesome Over Winter Break” Tournament series. Check out the opposing article here and be sure to ‘like’ your favorite!Top Reasons Why The Christmas Sweater Was Invented So that there was one weekend of Winter that girls could go out and party without freezing their asses... MORE »
In a strange turn of events on Friday afternoon, the Westboro Baptist Church announced that they were not going to be protesting over the Bernie Fine scandal at Syracuse, but would instead be picketing Fab Melo’s new haircut. Westboro Baptist Church is known for its offensive and ultra-conservative politics. “His haircut is strange, it makes... MORE »
In flow chart form. MORE »
After the events that occurred on UC Davis’s and Berkeley’s campuses this past month, many people expected that the universities would strive to protect their reputations through support for peaceful protests and apologies for their resident police departments’ actions. Not the case. In fact, the UC system announced today that it would begin routine beatings... MORE »
In an unexpected turn of events this week–and likely an unapologetic publicity stunt to remind students that Student Association exists so that they’ll vote for president–Student Association has cut the budget for Syracuse University itself. Robert Rane, the University official who was assigned to attend the meeting to acquire funding for the University,... MORE »