Two months after the initiation of the oil crisis in the American Gulf Coast, Syracuse University Chancellor Nancy Cantor announced Thursday that British Petroleum Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will give the Commencement Speech at the school’s 2011 Graduation Ceremony. Chancellor Cantor has extended an offer to the BP Chairman, but is still trying to determine if the name Carl-Henric Svanberg is “serious” or “just a joke.”
One year after selecting JP Morgan & Chase Jamie Dimon as speaker during America’s economic recession and two years after selecting Vice President Joe Biden after he cursed at the Liberty Bell, Syracuse University officials drew up a Nixon-like list of names featuring the most topically controversial figures to succeed Dimon. Svanberg beat out like likes of the recently ousted Gen. Stanley McChrystal, the Yankee Stadium-banned Lady Gaga, as well as the misogynistic, domestically violent Honey Smack’s frog.
“I was a little upset that we didn’t get the Lady Gaga to speak,” said Cantor, “but at the end of the day, 210,000 gallons of oil into the Gulf Coast every day for the past 2 months is a little more controversial then sneaking into a locker room to try and kiss A-Rod. It was an easy decision for myself and for the board.”
Cantor added that her selection of Svanberg proves to last years protesters of Jamie Dimon that things really do get worse and that “there’s nothing you meddling kids or your dog can do about it.” Dimon protesters have yet to officially release a statement regarding the choice of Svanberg, but several have stated they are “kinda mad” about the selection.”
Svanberg will speak in May to the class of 2011 in the Carrier Dome at Syracuse University. Admission is free, but the crowd is expected to be smaller than last year’s because the price of gasoline -thanks to BP- will be well over 10 dollars a gallon. Svanberg is expected to address the Syracuse University class wearing a Rich Uncle Pennybags monocle. Topics he will discuss include perseverance under pressure, working hard, and perfecting a diabolical laugh while stroking a cat.