In what has proven to be the upset of the week, the employers at Syracuse University’s career fair have decided to go in a “different direction” this year. Resumes from experienced Juniors and Seniors could be seen burning in trash cans throughout the Carrier Dome while employers literally chased after local freshmen.
“We’re tired of hiring older students for internships and full-time positions, plain and simple.” explained an anonymous employee at GloboGiant, a major company based in NYC. “We have to give them money and health benefits and frankly we just don’t have those kinds of resources. Freshmen are great. We hire them, they’ll put in an 80 hour work week for a Netflix subscription and they’re adorable. Look at that little one with the lanyard around his neck. Precious.”
“At first I had my reservations because they’re inexperienced and a little bit awkward and all they really want to do is get drunk.” explains AmericaTech’s founder John Gordon. “But we’ve been putting them through a two week training period that teaches them everything they would have learned had they stuck around in college, including a rich liberal arts curriculum.”
“Did you know that Shakespeare’s wife’s name was Anne Hathaway and that the movie 10 Things I Hate About You is based entirely off one of his plays?” Syracuse freshman Jane Reed asked our staff while connecting what looked to be a toaster to one of AmericaTech’s multi-million dollar supercomputers.
Demand for freshmen employees is so high at certain corporations that they have take to hunting them and tricking them into working.
“It’s sort of like “The Most Dangerous Game” except with less murder and more vans that say ‘Free Beer’ on the side of them” explained GloboGiant’s CFO.
“I got one!!!” yelled GloboGiant’s CFO as he tackled a student to the ground. “Aw, shit, nevermind it’s just a really short Junior.”