- Start every day off with a hot coffee and a showing of “The Human Centipede” on your shared TV. Refuse to wear headphones and make sure you’re in all 8am classes.
- Find out when his/her class discussions are. Go to them and drunkenly make fun of him/her when he/she starts to talk. Phrases like “you couldn’t spatial relationship your way out of a paper bag!” and “Chlorophyll? More like boreophyll!” should be used. Gradually bring more and more friends with you every week. By finals week, there should be no less than 20 people heckling your roommate.
- Use their favorite sweatshirt to dry off when you get out of the shower. When they ask you why, tell them it’s because you used their towel to clean up from when you were finger painting their laptop earlier.
- Follow him/her on a date. Sit in the booth next to them and pretend like you’re telling him/her things to say via an ear piece microphone/speaker. Say things like “Okay, so now would be a good time to ask to have intercourse.” Be unreasonably loud.
- Tell everyone your roommate’s name is Jesus. Tell everyone he/she’s just being humble when your roommate denies it.
- Refuse to communicate with your roommate through any means other than printed documents. Make sure your roommate agreed to bring the printer/pay for ink in the beginning of the year.
- Insist on constantly going places with your roommate and his/her significant other. Say things like ‘aren’t we just the cutest couple, guys?’
- Buy a goldfish and every day add one more fish to the tank. Once the tank is full, start putting fish in solo cups all over the room. When your roommate complains, explain to them that you didn’t realize you had bought ‘bunny fish.’
- When your roommate is coming in the door, start screaming out the window “Don’t you ever show your ugly face in this building again or I’ll dropkick you in the face, shithead!” When your roommate asks who you’re yelling at say “oh, the R.A. gave me a verbal warning for my hotplate.”
- Wait until a night you know they have a night class, prepare a candlelit dinner for two and be sitting there, dressed up and looking pissed when they come in. Scream at them that their dinner is cold and say things like “What’s her name, huh?!” and “How do you sleep at night, you whore! I can’t believe you forgot our anniversary!”
Campus Basement Newsletter!
It's #Follow TUESDAYFollow @campusbasement
- 21 alcohol basketball beer boeheim campus christmas classes college Cornell dorms dps drinking drunk facebook finals food fraternities frats freshmen funny girls greek halloween holidays library love mizzou money movies music otto parties politics professors sex snow sororities sports students student sketches washu weather winter women