‘Sup, my nuggets? That’s the safest way I can use the word I
should be allowed to use, but fuckin’ peepz don’t get that I’m fuckin’ Sirius:
mad black, yo. Dat’s da bull standard for ya, da bullshit standard.
N E way, hope your all treatin’ you’re final exams like
butts and stickin’ it to “em. I just need 2 ask your advice on this test I have
cummin up. This shit’s gonna be a fuckin’ Ron Jeremy: long and hard, bitches.
So my Jewish Studies prof is all, “Jacob, I don’t know why you don’t exert
yourself, your brain is a mitzvah that many aren’t fortunate to have,” and I’m
all, “Yo, prof, I seen the news lately, I ain’t gonna “exert’ myself for you or
any professor, I’ll call ESPN and get you fuckin’ Sandusky’d.”
No bigz, #IKeepItReal.
So now, fuckin’ dude is makin’ me write a 15-page paper on
the history of the Torah. It’s like, “Bitch, my Torah is Lil Wayne’s new album,
and just cuz I’m circumcised don’t mean I ain’t “Six Foot, Seven Foot’ long, yo.”
So then he made it a 20-page paper. Mad racist, yo.
And then my momz is all, “Jacob Goldberg, if you don’t get a
4.0, how will you get into med school? Why can’t you be more like your brother,
Jonah. He found a nice Jewish girl, you know. Speaking of which, do you remember
Abby Feinstein from temple? Her mother says she’s doing very well and she’ll be
home for Channukkah next week. You two should get together.” And I’m all, “Yo
back off bitch, I ain’t datin’ some matzo-gargling ho, I’m waitin for Nicki
Then my momz told my prof, and now it’s a 30-page paper. And
she set me up with the prof’s daughter. Bitch is like a Kia Spectra: cheap,
ugly grill and got a hatchback.
Fo realz, yo, she got scoliosis, that shit’s serious.
So now for the advice. I been in the library for three days
straight. (Place is so crowded, I had to Native American some dick out of his
seat. Gotta keep a ninja in line, son.) All I got done is 22 pages about how
Moses parting the Red Sea with a staff is actually a metaphor for him partin’ some
bitch’s legs with his staff. And I
don’t want my momz or prof to embarrass me at shul again. Shit’s messed up. Can
a Israel Lite get some help?
Also, ne1 got Nicki Minaj’s digits?
Until sext time,