A few weeks ago it was announced that Syracuse University
would increase its number of Blue Light systems on campus. For those unaware,
the Blue Light is for emergencies, like when you’re being chased by a serial
rapist or you fear you’re being followed or when it’s “fuckin’ balls cold and I
don’t wanna walk home.”
On Saturday, for the first time in history, a student used
the Blue Light system causing an epidemic of panic in the Syracuse Police
Department and the Department of Public Safety.
Cindy Burkowitz, a sophomore, was walking home alone when
she noticed a man following closely behind her. The man continued to follow her
all the way through the quad when Cindy decided to press the blue light.
That’s when the trouble started.
As soon as the signal was received at SPD and DPS, a siren
began to wail alerting the officers that there was trouble on campus.
“We’d never heard that noise before,” said Officer Dan
Perogies. “We didn’t know what to do, so we decided that the best course of
action was to barricade ourselves in and grab as many shotguns as we could.”
Screams emitted from the DPS and SPD buildings, including,
“WHAT’S HAPPENING?!” “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” and “OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!”
It was a total clusterfuck.
Nineteen officers were killed, all by their colleagues. Many
tried to enter a barricaded room when their peers opened fire on them,
screaming, “DIE, TERRORIST!” and, “RAPE! RAPE!!!”
Needless to say, the blue light system did not work.
Oh, and Cindy Burkowitz was murdered brutally.