The Orange have had it with the turmoil in the Big East.
“Everyone knows what happens,” said Athletic Director Daryl Gross. “Every single year, we go undefeated in non-conference play and then we get to the Big East and every game is a slaughter. Literally.”
Added Gross, “There’s no winner in our conference, just a bunch of teams with players too banged up to make it out of the first round of March Madness. Enough is enough.”
After several hours of discussion with other Big East officials and Big East school officials, it was announced Tuesday that the Big East will disband, with all schools currently in the Big East to move to smaller, “shittier” conferences.
“We decided that what college basketball was missing was that feeling of futility you get within an NBA division,” said Big East Commissioner John Marinatto. “Like when the Nets play the Celtics. They know they’re not going to win. Now, the Orange will be the Celtics and”¦well, I don’t know any teams in the Big Sky, but whatever little shit team they throw at a Big East team will know they have no chance. It’s how the world works.”
Jim Boeheim has reportedly approved of the decision to disband the Big East in pursuit of an easier conference.
“I’m tired of easily beating UConn and then needing overtime to beat Rutgers,” said Boeheim. “It’s fucking Rutgers! This conference is killing our players. Seriously. Scoop Jardine had to be resuscitated four times last year just to make it through the Georgetown game in the Big East tournament. It’s not healthy.”
With the Big East disbanded, ESPN officials are reportedly moving on to “sucking the ACC’s dick.” The Big 10 was mentioned briefly, but the notion that the Big Ten was the best basketball conference was only met with three straight hours of laughter.
Meanwhile, Big East teams, who now don’t need to worry about each other, just need to figure out how to beat those same shitty teams in the NCAA tournament.
Said Gross, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”