A recent survey conducted by Gallup Poll indicates that patrons of Syracuse University’s Kimmel Food Court are incapable of speaking in complete, explicable sentences after the hour of 1:00am on Friday and Saturday nights.
Kimmel is a popular on-campus cafeteria featuring a number of fast food options, including Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King, Sbarro, and Dunkin’ Donuts. SU students frequently eat at Kimmel for late night snacks, but the reason for their inability to speak in a rational and intelligent manner once the clock strikes 1:00 remains unclear.
Robert Hughes, a longtime Kimmel employee, has just recently taken notice of the curious trend since he was promoted from custodial staff to cashiering at Taco Bell, Kimmel’s most popular late night attraction. “It’s really bizarre,” Hughes said. “Kids always come stumbling in at like one or two o’clock in the morning, and none of them can say anything even remotely sensible. It’s hard to take their orders.”
A Cuse My Campus reporter, Billy Hedgecock, was sent down to Kimmel last Friday at approximately 1:45am to investigate. He asked the unsuspecting customers a few questions that were designed to be simple enough for a three-year-old to answer appropriately. The results of the survey proved true, as none were able to form a logical response. In reply to the question, “What is your favorite color?” a patron who wished to remain “analogous” responded, “I gaffaaaga um”¦ yo bro”¦ yo dude”¦ chalupa [sic].” When asked her major, another customer replied, “Oh my gosh where?” Additionally, another student was witnessed attempting to climb over the counter at Sbarro, insisting, “I will”¦ I uhhh”¦ muhguh [sic] and make [expletive deleted] pizzas, man.”
One atypical incident, however, is the case of Geoffrey Flenderson, a sophomore marketing major who was sitting by himself in the corner of the dining hall. Hedgecock approached him just as he was about to fall asleep on his box of popcorn chicken and asked him how he was doing. Flenderson’s response was if not articulate, truly heartwarming: “Bro, you’re like my best friend ever. I love you, man”¦ We’ve been boys since kindergarten and I don’t know what I would do without you. Just know that we’ll always be boys, right?” He then proceeded to hug Hedgecock, who was perplexed to hear such kind, albeit false, words from a complete stranger. Flenderson was last seen being escorted out of Kimmel by a DPS officer after vomiting on the floor unexpectedly.
Despite weeks of research, experts cannot explain the phenomena of irrational behavior and poor sentence structure by the late night Kimmel clientele. Victims of the epidemic are to be warned that although they will usually wake up the next morning with the ability to speak normally again, they may experience side effects including headache, dehydration, diarrhea, and inexplicable phallic markings on their face and arms.