The Phillies and the Red Sox are every expert’s picks
But what about the Yankees, those pinstriped New York pricks?
They might not have four aces, or Theo Epstein’s additions
But what they lack in talent, they make up for with C.C.’s three chins.
Then again there are the Giants ““ the defending champs are no stiffs
Plus, when they’re not playing, they’re probably rolling spliffs
They’ve got Buster Posey, Aubrey Huff, and even Kung Fu Panda
Let’s hope that pothead Lincecum won’t again get read Miranda
The Rangers are the other squad with a pennant in their midst
But without their rent-a-Cliff-Lee, their whole year rides on Hamilton’s wrists
Plus, there’s the Athletics, with their wealth of hot young arms
Maybe they could take down Texas, with all their barbecue and firearms.
The Angels sure look crappy, what a fall from grace.
Only the Mariners will finish below them in the AL West race.
In Kansas City they’re pumped because their minor leaguers are awesome
Too bad the Royals will still be gruesome until those farm hands grow some.
The Indians haven’t had a contender since they blew it in ’07.
But with Rick Vaughn on the comeback, I like their chances in ’11.
The Twins are always good until they play New York in the playoffs
Their annual Yankee beatdown is as inevitable as teacher layoffs
Then there’s the White Sox, a sneaky-good team noticed by few
Does anyone else want to see Ozzie Guillen on The View?
Last and probably least there’s the depressing Detroit Tigers
Too bad their slugger Cabrera comes into Spring Training with DUI priors.
To finish off the AL don’t forget about those pesky Rays
But you can forget Toronto because there’s no hope for the Jays
In St. Louis, is it management’s fault that they won’t break the bank for Pujols?
And in Syracuse, is it my fault that nothing rhymes with that name but poo-holes?
The Cubs finished strong last year, and the Padres finished weak
You can bet a pretty penny that both will continue their title-less streaks
The Rockies spent a lot of cash to lock up their two biggest stars
Too bad nobody east of Kansas has a freakin’ clue who the hell they are
The Arizona Diamondbacks look like they’re pretty good and playing hungry
Too bad the state legislature wants half their roster out of the country.
The surprising team in baseball last year was the Cincinnati Reds
Can they win a title before Aroldis Chapman is deported by the Feds?
What about the LA Dodgers, in year one after Joe Torre?
Their team is pretty crappy, so don’t expect a Hollywood story.
In the East we’ve got the Mets, who lost all their money to Bernie Madoff
If Johan Santana can stay healthy, that’s still a decent trade-off
In Milwaukee Zach Grienke could bring some W’s to the Brew-Crew
His teammate, Ryan Braun, is already the pride of baseball’s Jew-crew
I haven’t been able to name one Astro since Craig Biggio left town
I don’t even know what they call their ballpark now that Enron has gone down
The Pirates and the Marlins both have tiny payrolls ““ what a shame.
The difference between the two teams? Occasionally, the Marlins win a game.
The Braves have Chipper Jones back, but no Bobby Cox
But Jason Heyward will bring joy back to the tomahawk chop
The Nationals don’t even deserve to have their own cute rhyming cuplet
Because they suck.
Still, the rest of this poem was pointless for I have hidden its one great moral:
The 2011 World Series champs will be the Baltimore Orioles.