Jason Mandelbaum, a freshman engineering student, knows the value of a good night’s sleep, or lack there of. That’s because he is currently embarking on a marathon of sorts, albeit one that requires little training above knowing how to open a can of Red Bull.
The life of an engineer in training is not an envious one, and after a semester of raging house parties with everyone on Euclid, Mandelbaum just recently remembered that he was still an enrolled student here at SU, and has been frantically trying to cram a semester of work into the final two weeks.
“I’m pretty confident that I can pull this off,” said Mandelbaum, twitching ever so slightly. “I’ve pulled all-nighters before, so what’s the difference if I just pull like two, or ten in a row? It’s not like it’s gonna kill me….right?”
While Mandelbaum struggles to catch up, his classmates can only look on with admiration at his determination.
“Yeah, Big Mandy-B is a total boss,” said Paul Franton, Mandelbaum’s ‘bro.’ “I heard, this one time, he got into this one house party WITHOUT PAYING OR ANYTHING, and then, like, totally drank like four beers….LEGENDARY. If anyone can do it, you know it’s that guy!”
While most people were awed with Mandelbaum’s effort, a handful of students remained unimpressed.
“Two days?” said a student who refused to be named for interview. “That’s it? Two days?” He puffed impatiently at two cigarettes. “I’m in the Architecture program and let me tell you man, that’s how we all start the semester. Two days…try five years pal.”
By now the student was already halfway through a pack of cigarettes, so I had to leave just to insure that I wouldn’t contract secondhand lung cancer.
Despite the occasional negative comment, Mandelbaum refuses to relinquish his determination to not fail out. We can’t help but speculate as to where this sudden scholastic burst came from. Mandelbaum had this to say:
“Actually, there’s this really hot girl who sits in front of me sometimes, and well, she’s, uh, really not that hot, but she’s still pretty hot I guess, and, well, it’s way harder to hit on someone in your class when you fail out of college.”
Mandelbaum currently has not slept since Tuesday, and has no plans to sleep until after finals. He was last seen sitting in a corner, huddled up in a ball, trying to suck spilled Red Bull stains out of his jean shorts. If you happen to see him over the next few weeks, please refrain from making direct eye-contact; he gets skittish and hostile, and may attack.