The last day which liquor stores may sell alcoholic energy drink Four Loko in stores is fast approaching. On December 10th, all Four Loko cans remaining on shelves must be disposed of. College students across the state are in a frenzy, buying up case after case of Four Loko, in preparation for Four Loko Prohibition.
It seems that now, without Four Loko involved in collegiate social life, there is a void for students: what stupid thing can we do now that will most likely kill us? How can we replace the venomous, blackout-in-a-can, domestic-violence-incident-waiting-to-happen that is Four Loko?
Luckily, graduate assistants across the country are working on several solutions. Researcher Frank Davis is leading a team which will hopefully lead to the discovery of an activity, food, or beverage so unbelievably moronic and dangerous that Four Loko will soon be forgotten.
“We’ve got several projects going on at the moment,” Davis said in a phone interview. “And right now we have a few solid prospects that look really promising.”
Some of these include shooting oneself in the head with a nail gun, drinking a concoction of sheep bile, bleach, and grain alcohol, or injecting powdered moose bone into one’s eyeball. The researchers on Davis’ team are trying anything and everything.
“Our goal is to find something that far exceeds the risk factors of Four Loko. Whatever we decide is the best replacement, it has to be really, really fucking stupid. I mean, you have to have AT LEAST a 75% chance of dying,” Davis claimed.
Other possibilities being floated by Davis’ team: a combination of heroin, cocaine, and deer urine in pill form, dunking one’s head in a tub of hydrochloric acid, infecting oneself with one of the few remaining strains of the smallpox virus, or wrestling a live Komodo dragon.
Though some have a bleak outlook on whether Four Loko can ever be replaced, Frank Davis is determined.
“We’re gonna beat this thing. I am telling you, right now, at this time and place, that we will eventually discover the stupidest, most dangerous fucking thing ever that you can do to yourself. And it will be far, far worse than Four Loko. College students will die all over the place. And then the party we will have to celebrate will be CRAZY.”