After what can only be described as a rousing roll in the
mud, the New York Giants have won their way into this year’s Super Bowl. For those of you who didn’t see the
game, or are not within screaming distance of any football fans, the game was
decided in overtime by a Laurence Tynes field goal. Tynes made what would be classified at any other point in
the game as a, “chip shot”, and then proceeded to scream and run as if he’d
just cured cancer and used it to help the Giants go to the Super Bowl.
Tynes was quoted as saying, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I GET TO
LIVE!” as he ran wildly around the crowded field, doing his best to stay away
from the much larger, angrier players on the 49er’s. “I was so worried about that kick, I actually made a deal
with God that if I made it, I’d totally start believing in him, and I mean,
hey, it worked for that Tebow guy and his kicker, right?”
Teammate Eli Manning said after the game, “Wait, we have a guy on our team named Laurence?”
While Tynes was one of today’s heroes, others fared less
fortunately today. Especially Baltimore’s kicker, Billy Cundiff, who shanked a
32-yard field goal that would have sent the Patriots and Ravens into overtime,
thus giving New England the victory and another Super Bowl appearance, despite
a less than stellar performance by Tom Brady.
“I don’t even have to play well to make it to the Super
Bowl, and now I get to play the Giants? This is gonna be a breeze!” said the New
England quarterback and semi-professional model. “Although, I am scared for Billy. I saw Ray Lewis after the game with an
ax and a crazy look in his eye.
Shouldn’t somebody be watching him? I mean, didn’t he kill a guy?”
Billy Cundiff could not be contacted for interview. He was nowhere to be seen after the
game, his locker had mysteriously vanished, and all of his teammates refused to
state that they had a kicker, but were optimistic they’d be able to fill the
position by the start of the next season.