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Campus Basement Newsletter!
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8 Minutes to Freedom: Inner Monologue of Student Whose Professor is Late
8 Minutes to Go: Okay, let’s just relax. We’ve been in this situation before. Don’t wanna get your hopes up, only to be crushed by his entrance. He’s gonna come. There’s no shot he’s not coming. I wonder what we’re learning today. Yup, definitely gonna come. 7 Minutes to Go: Holy shit, he’s not coming.... MORE »
Ladies and Gentleman: Jillian Gutowitz
It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest head writer of Ramapo Basement (starting in the Fall of 2012; it’s still my show for now, bitches). After countless hours of analyzing nearly 2 application submissions, I finally narrowed it down to Jillian Gutowitz. I know what you’re all wondering. Will I... MORE »
Women’s Center
Ramapo College’s Women’s Center sells 10 cent condoms for students. This video parodies two freshmen’s fear of the type of women that work in such a Center as they attempt to buy condoms… MORE »
The Ramapo College Student Handbook
1) If you attempt to download illegally, some guy named Cisco will come to your apartment and cut off all of your fingers. 2) No parking allowed on campus. Parking is available at the Ramapo Reservation. Failing to abide will lead to tire boots. 3) If you are blind, you are still not allowed to... MORE »
This Week In TV…
Mahwah, NJ – With midterm week violating and disturbing us, it’s SO hard to keep up with things that matter: talking about ourselves on Twitter, calling people ugly on Facebook, getting diarrhea from Birch (wait, we still do that), and finally, following our TV shows. While you’re all “studying”, I’ve been busy slaving over staying... MORE »
Study: Collegiate Sports Lead to School Spirit; College Officials Outraged
MAHWAH, NJ: A disturbing new study done at Ramapo College of New Jersey seems to link participation and/or support of campus athletic teams to a dramatic increase in school spirit. According to Ramapo census takers, who conducted the survey by repeatedly sending out duplicates of the same email until students got tired of sending it... MORE »
Ramapo Cafeterias to put Laxatives in Food to Combat Obesity Epidemic
The obesity epidemic has taken our nation by storm. Millions of Americans have been affected by the greasy and fatty foods that are served around our country’s schools. As the problem continues to worsen, the U.S. government has been coming up with new creative ways to solve the problem. One of the newest most innovative... MORE »
Public Safety On Laurel Lots Ticketing Spree
Mahwah, NJ – Ah, the first week of May: the most glorious time of the year. A time for starving oneself for summer and cramming one’s brain with throw-away knowledge. It’s also a time for taking as much harassment from Public Safety as possible before buying a flamethrower with dark intentions. Even though it’s super easy... MORE »
A Comparative Analysis in Kindness: Utah vs New Jersey
Having recently spent a week in Utah, I noticed that the culture was incredibly different than that of New Jersey. From the bars closing at 1:00 a.m. to the insane amount of Mormons boasting their multi-wived households, most situations were handled quite differently out West. Walking by a stranger: Utah: You are greeted with a... MORE »
Spring Time is Mating Season, and Bitches Are Horny
Ah, yes, Spring has sprung…. From the end of March until the end of June, we are treated to some pleasant weather, the blossoming of flowers, and animals coming out of hibernation. These animals emerge for the mating season, where they take part in humping the shit out of each other in order to have... MORE »
Last Will and Testament; Ramapo College, I Leave to You:
- The right to have a working hand dryer and a stocked soap dispenser coexist in harmony in the upstairs men’s bathroom by the gym. You’ve done a great job at having one at a time, but in this progressive era, you finally bring these two necessities together at the same time. ... MORE »
Breaking News: Student Actually Takes Survey on Facebook That Girl Needed For Class
Mahwah, NJ- In a bizarre turn of events Monday afternoon, Ramapo senior Mark Spalowitznitskyface sat down and took a survey that he saw on Facebook. Sources indicate that the survey was for Rachel Adams, a junior at Ramapo college, and her Marketing Research class’s final paper. Commenting on the situation, Spalowitznitskyface stated that “she promised it... MORE »
The Graduating Senior’s Mass Text to Potential Sexual Partners
22. That’s the number that is making many of us graduating seniors cringe today. 22 days until graduation. 22 days until we enter the real world. 22 days until you’re stuck with whatever your college sex tally is for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. For the past 4 years, we’ve been able to fall back... MORE »
Ladies and Gentleman: Jillian Gutowitz
It is with great pleasure that I present to you the newest head writer of Ramapo Basement (starting in the Fall of 2012; it’s still my show for now, bitches). After countless hours of analyzing nearly 2 application submissions, I finally narrowed it down to Jillian Gutowitz. I know what you’re all wondering. Will I... MORE »
Ramapo College Caught Excluding the Fact that it’s Ramapo College
Mahwah, NJ- Ramapo is in hot water once again due to the college’s most recent omission of details. After getting in trouble for excluding SAT scores last week, it has been learned that the institution has also been avoiding telling prospective students that this is, in fact, Ramapo College. The scandal was allegedly conducted in... MORE »
Ramapo Basement’s New Head Writer Requirements
With the semester winding down and zero Ramapo Basement writers returning in the fall, the site is in need of a new head writer. If interested, please email your information to Strasser.jake@gmail.com. Requirements for the new head writer of Ramapo Basement include, but are not limited to all of the following: Equal Opportunity Bigotry: We... MORE »