Mahwah, NJ- The Ramapo Commencement Committee has just released the pricing for graduation. In addition to Ramapo’s $100 dollar charge for “processing” the graduation application and a $62 dollar charge for cap and gown Ramapo will also issue charges for the following:
- $1.00 for each step you take. Handicapped people graduate free.
- $5.00 for every siren of a police car going by in downtown Newark. I’m sure you can’t help think that might be your car being stolen.
- $10.00 for every black guy you see working at the Prudential Center. There’s a great chance he might be the guy jacking your car.
-$20.00 for hearing someone’s name you hooked up with when you were drunk. $40.00 if you’re realizing they really aren’t that good looking.
-$50.00 to throw anything you want at President Mercer.
Upon graduation Ramapo will also begin harassing your email and phone trying to solicit donations. Fuck no Ramapo I already gave you enough money for tuition you greedy bastards. If anything Ramapo should donate more money to its faculty in the form of renewed contracts. Having professors that may not be around next year because they don’t have contracts can’t be too reassuring for students paying top dollar for a Liberal Arts degree.
So as depressing as graduation may be for some of us we can all look forward to never paying Ramapo another dollar in parking tickets. Don’t worry my car won’t be parked on campus anytime soon after graduation (that means you angry Asian public safety guy). It’s not my fault your wife won’t have sex with you.