With the arrival of a new semester, Ramapo has once again done its best to ensure the frustration of its students. In the most confusing movement since the creation of the Uggs and shorts combo, Public Safety has blocked off all convenient parking lots during move in week.  Hundreds of students are forced to park in the hellish D-Lot, a barren wasteland known to only Pine dwellers and the occasional visitor that follows parking rules. When asked about the reasoning  behind the closed lots, many Public Safety officers adopt a vacant expression, sometimes mumbling something about “pushing boundaries.”

We ventured to the distant lot to get a better understanding of the current tribulations, where one exhausted voyager agreed to share his opinion. “It’s horrible out here. Every time we think we’re nearing the end, it turns out there’s still another lot to go,” gasps junior Alex Wilson, “I don’t understand what I did to deserve this, I thought that Laurel parking would be easy… I was so, so very wrong.”

Running on only Birch food, many students are passing out on their journey due to lack of nutrition. However, there appears to be a brighter side to all of this suffering.  After trekking back to the campus in the humid air, students arrive in better physical shape.  We watched as various journeyers emerged from the perilous lots, their clothes swimming around their newly sculpted bodies. Three tired suitemates approached us with their story. “We just had to carry our dietary meals from Whole Foods all the way here. We wanted the food to help use lose weight, but not like this!”   Some students are thrilled about their sudden weight loss. Sophomore Arielle Jones admits, “Maybe I’ll even start willingly making this walk! Wait… no. Still not worth it.”

Until parking issues are resolved, Public Safety is doing its most mediocre job of assisting students. Care packages filled with lukewarm water and that weird Jell-O thing which Paycaf seems to have an endless supply of are being handed out to travelers; some even containing notes displaying crudely drawn smiley faces with their tongues sticking out. Especially resistant drivers are being sent to alternate parking locations including the CPA gravel lots, the Mason Jar, William Patterson University, and the Moon. ”I hear there’s good parking on the Moon this time of year,” one Public Safety officer comments, “Not too many tourists.”