MAHWAH, NJ – History was made today as The Jersey Devil officially came out of eternal hiding in the deep woods of New Jersey. After taking a heavy beating from Sandy and Irene the past two years, the Jersey Devil is reportedly “fed up” with living in the woods. He exited the forest near a quaint suburban home in Allendale, The Abramowitz’s, who invited him to stay with them until he “figures stuff out”. The Devil is very excited for his Thanksgiving feast.
“I haven’t had Thanksgiving in years, man. I’ve eaten turkey, but not like this. Not like this…”
As he teared up, he admitted that he has been extremely lonely and is tired of being called a ‘monster’. “I’m just a guy, you know? Well, I guess technically I’m a mutant creature. But I’m a guy. I need love too! And a down coat. Damnit, New Jersey gets cold right around January, February you know?”
As for plans for the future, the Jersey Devil is not quite sure. “I’m hoping for an iPad Mini. But for now, I’m just happy to feel warmth in my heart and in my bones. Also porn is really cool. Never knew about it in the woods. Porn is my shit, dog”.