1) The Boyfriend Report

John Smith is–thinking about his girlfriend CONSTANTLY!!! <3

Do you realize every time you put something like this on your wall, you make it that much harder for anyone to feel bad for you when the relationship ends two days later?

2) The Vague Expression of Passive Aggression

John Smith is–Some people are really making other people really angry by doing certain things that they shouldn’t…

Gee, why don’t you just tag the person you got into a fight with two hours earlier? Are you hoping to make all your friends worry that you’re mad at them? The comment section on these are even better–

John Doe: OMG! You’re not mad at me, are you?
John Smith: Noooo, OMG, I love you!!! It’s just someone doing something that they shouldn’t. They’re just a someone.
Jane Doe: Is it ME??? LOL No, but is it?
John Smith: LOL Nooooo! Someone else.

Pretty soon it just becomes process of elimination.

3) The Inside Joke

John Smith is–koala bears in the what what? Hahaha

You know, they have this new thing where you can edit statuses so that only certain people can see them. Why not do that rather than make everyone other than the two people who know what the hell you’re talking about read this and have their heads explode while they try to figure out how you came in contact with a koala bear and just what your “what what” is?

4) The Ode to Life

John Smith is–Crazy pancakes after an amazing party at Sal’s! Love my Life!

I don’t care.

5) The Cursed Life

John Smith is–I just found out that I’m adopted and that my real parents were Bavarian gypsies! FML!

I don’t care–and I now know wayyy too much about you.

6) The Declaration of Love to a Really Bad Pop Culture Phenomenon As If You’re the Only Idiot That Likes It

John Smith is–AVATAR IS AMAZING!!! Everybody should see it!

I’m sorry, I’m confused. Are you talking to the four people who haven’t seen it? Thank you for exposing us to this hidden gem. Aside from the record-breaking gross and the Oscar nominations, I never would have heard abo

ut it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back under my rock and see if I have enough change for a movie ticket. Those cost a few nickels more now, right?
7) The Song Lyrics Dedicated to Whomever You Just Had Sex With

John Smith is–”And your body is/My ferris wheel/I loved getting stuck/At th

 

e top” :)

Just so we’re clear, posting song lyrics afterwards doesn’t make the hook-up any less trashy.

8) The Compliment Fisher

John Smith is–I’m the worst person ever. Someone just shoo

t me.

Am I the only one who sees statuses like this and wants to comment with–”Yeah, you really are. You should just find a bottle of something and take the whole thing. So glad you realized this without any of us having to tell you.

What a load off that is!”

9) The Bar Tab

John Smith–Still sooo wasted from last night. Threw up on myself. Hahaha Who wants to go out tonight?

If I want to find out how your alcoholism is going, I’ll tune into Intervention when your episode is on.

10) The Awesome Vacation That Only You’re On

John Smith is–Watching a sunset on a tropical island in the Pacific. Spent all day relaxing and now I’m going to drink wine and dance the night away with as many beautiful strangers as I can. God, life is glorious, isn’t it?

F**k you.

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