After much speculation and whispering amongst students, the truth is finally out about where the money from all the recent tuition increases at Ramapo College has been going. In one of his famous, “Message from the President” emails, Dr. Peter Mercer addressed the students of Ramapo College, informing them that their hard earned tuition expenses have been sent, “to a galaxy far, far away.”
“I am pleased to announce,” writes Mercer, “that as a part of Ramapo’s ‘Pushing Boundaries’ program, we have been in contact with representatives from the Jedi council in an effort to help improve the health of many of the various species of space creatures that inhabit the Star Wars galaxy.” Mercer went on to say that the money would be used mostly to improve the nutritional and exercise habits of several species living in the fictitious solar system, such as the Hutts and the Gungans. “Many of these creatures live in barren terrains such as deserts or in vast underwater wastelands, where it’s hard to get a good variety of fruits and vegetables. Through the help of our program, we hope to educate and enlighten them to make every effort to try to find good food and not to just rely on eating whatever’s easiest to get their hands on.”
Some of the money will be reserved for extreme cases that require surgical intervention, such as in the case of notorious crime lord Jabba the Hutt, who is due to undergo gastric bypass surgery on Tatooine later this month. “With any luck, on his feet he will be back soon,” said Jedi Grand Master Yoda, one of the leading proponents of the Pushing Boundaries initiative. “With the help of this surgery, looking good for beach season on the Dune Sea he will,” continued the aging Jedi, who at over 900 years old has still been able to keep active and maintained a well-balanced diet.
Jedis like Yoda and Luke Skywalker will be teaching classes in nutrition, as well as leading weight training instruction at gyms across the galaxy. Princess Leia, who recently received her yoga instructor’s license, will also be leading spin and pilates classes, as well as a nutrition course specifically designed for female space creatures.
Mercer and Yoda hope that the new program will inspire all creatures to take more of an interest in their health and fitness, even those who aren’t dangerously overweight. It is rumored that there has been quite a buzz about the new program, and incentives for the species that lose the most average weight per capita have been springing up all throughout the galaxy, especially amongst the Wookiee population on the forest planet Kashyyyk. “You wouldn’t know it to look at him,” said Han Solo, translator and close friend of his Wookiee co-pilot, Chewbacca, “but underneath all that fur, Chewie’s carrying around a lot of extra baggage. He’s hoping that that through this new Pushing Boundaries program, which has been generously paid for by the students of Ramapo College in the Milky Way galaxy, that he can finally shed those extra pounds and meet the Wookiee woman of his dreams.”
At least we can rest easy knowing that our money hasn’t been wasted on increasing teacher’s salaries or on new cars for Public Safety.