The results of a study by the Food and Drug Administration were released this week, rating the deliciousness of prescription drugs on the market today. According to the agency, the popular narcotic and painkiller OxyContin tops the list, while congestion pill Mucinex and drowsy-free Vick’s cough syrup placed last.
“We weren’t surprised,” said an anonymous FDA official. “A lot of people take OxyContin recreationally, and the only explanation is that it is simply scrumptious.”
The study, a collaborative effort between the FDA and leading taste-science firm Munchies, gave an undisclosed number of very willing participants, mostly from central Missouri, a number of different pills. The researchers then asked the participants to rate the drugs on “immediate taste sensation” as well as “after taste.”
“We liked Missouri for this study for two reasons,” said Munchies’ executive Zach Clearly. “One, there’s a reason we call this place the “Pill Belt’; they know their shit here. And two, they have very sensitive taste buds. Most people may give their dealer a handie in the alley, get their pill as payment and not even notice the taste. But Missourians”¦they pick up on that sort of thing.”
The study tested a wide variety of drugs upon the group. Some, like OxyContin, were opiates, designed to numb the shit out of anyone in moderate to severe pain or who had ten dollars. Others were more household names, like the aforementioned Mucinex, Tylenol, Advil and Excedrin.
According to the report, the patients overwhelmingly favored the opiates, often demanding second or third helpings. The household drugs, meanwhile, were typically discarded after a single dosage. One participant, when given the household group, screamed that if he “wanted this pussy shit, [he would] go to Wal-Mart,” before defecating on the floor in protest.
Researchers were surprised at the level of intensity the patients exhibited with regard to the pill they received. They concluded that the gulf in taste between the opiate variety and the household variety was so great that it caused “complete breakdown in normal societal habits.”
“For the longest time, science has tried to answer the question of “Why do people in rural towns love prescription pills so much more than over-the-counter stuff?” said pill-popping expert Max Wilbers. “To think, the answer was the taste, rather than the shape or color like we previously thought.”
While many pharmaceutical companies scramble to take advantage of the findings, OxyContin producer Purdue Pharma gave a press release, complete with an image of them making a rude gesture towards an Advil bottle, stating their joy with the findings.
“Look, we’ve known for a while that our shit is cra’y,” said spokesman Lilly Carter. “Our competitors will probably come out with something like “New Chocolate Covered Mucinex’. But that sounds fucking nasty.”
