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Jake’s Movie Monday: On My Birthday
Nobody wants to do anything on their birthday.
What I Learn’t My Freshman Year
There are few things more mysterious and built-up than kawledge. You’re going to get drunk, an STD, have some pregnancy scares, perhaps you’ll go to class, but who gives a fuck? YOLO, right?! Wrong. Fuck YOLO. Fuck it in the face. Having completed my first year of school at the stereotypical state university as a... MORE »
Student Passes Micro 1014, Subsequently Fixes Economy
A University of Missouri student reportedly received a passing grade in Microeconomics 1014 this for the spring semester, and in turn submitted his solution to the recent economic woes that have plagued the country. Matt Slydel, a sophomore at the university, earned a B- in Micro after having studied an astounding thirty minutes before his... MORE »
MU Bookstore Swears Your Textbooks Are Only Worth $20
The University of Missouri bookstore released a statement last night regarding a backlash of disapproval, stating that their textbook return policy has always been fair and that “Twenty dollars is a pretty decent return” for most textbooks. For many students, the end of the year came from out of nowhere, mauling motivation to study whilst... MORE »
An open letter to Schurz Hall
Schurz Hall, you’ve meant so much to me. The ways that you’ve changed me are innumerable, the ways you’ve protected me are admirable, and the ways that you’ve touched me are unforgettable. I’ve been in your throws for almost an entire school year now, and our relationship is so blissfully intimate. Schurz Hall, I don’t... MORE »
To whomever left a Taco Bell cup outside of my room
You are a sadistic pervert. My emotions are not a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll to be touched and toyed with at your will. My life is not a game, but if it was, the rules would be changing, because I’m the fucking game master, kid. And if I read the Hunger Games, here is probably where... MORE »
Creepy Craigslist Ad of the Week: Cialis!
THIS IS SO TRUE. MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Bigfoot
Do you often find yourself longing for a creature that is as misunderstood as it is sexy and hairy? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live with a being so mysterious and wise that the Buddha once called him “a fucking G”? If you answered yes to both of these questions,... MORE »
Merman, dad. Merman.
Merman, man, Merman. That’s all you need to know. No, he doesn’t have the black lung, and no, wetness isn’t the essence of beauty. Although, this merman is beautiful, he began his legacy as a young boy. From the days as a young guppy, this merman was doing as some might consider, “making plays.” While... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: The Abominable Snowman
Who’s that “Biggest Bullshitter”? It’s Abominable Snowman! (Koffing!) Abominable Snowman is a Fiscally Conservative but Socially Liberal type Pokemon. Abominable Snowman are birds in the family Laridae. They are the largest and also the most tall of all Pokemon, or more accurately: they are not, being of average relative height and weight.... MORE »
The Biggest Bullshitter: Gargoyles
You gasp for air for a couple seconds, and than he puts you right back in. The toilet water smells like a combination of asparagus piss and sparrow semen. Although, you’re not even that mad about it, and you know why? The man that is shoving your frail head into the toilet, Bobby the Gargoyle.... MORE »
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