So you’re failing. Before you drop out of college to sell weed and homemade crafts out of the trunk of your car, see if your professor can be persuaded to pad your grade. 

1. Start in the obvious place – by stroking your professor’s massive ego. Linger after class to impress your teacher with your assuredly witty discourse, while making sure to pepper the conversation with compliments. If you’re moderately attractive and of the gender your professor would seek to mate with, being suggestive is encouraged. Compliment his moustache, his wit, and the commanding way he leads the classroom. Tell him he resembles a young Robert Redford. Whatever you do say, make sure its oozing with innuendo. The difference between saying “You seem so knowledgeable,” and “You seem soooo… knowledgeable, professor,” could be the difference between having to retake Intro Psych. 

2. If flattery fails, resort to shameless gift giving. Fruit baskets, fine leather goods, cigars, BMW’s, and exotic pets are all luxury items old people lose their shit over. Just make sure you come up with a decent reason for your generosity, because silently thrusting a basket filled with fancy cheeses and small summer sausages in your teacher’s face is a wee bit creepy. Saying how much you appreciated their lecture is more than enough to justify presents. 

3. Just grab his crotch. 

4. Maybe he thought it was an accident. Grab his crotch again. This time, try to wink without looking like you’re seizing. 

5. If your professor continues to refuse to reward you, resort to deviousness. Hire a private investigator to figure out what your professor hopes to keep hidden. Whether it’s an affair, a drug habit, being a never nude, or minor treason, use it to blackmail him shamelessly. After all, an A is worth potentially destroying someone’s entire life. This has the added pleasure of maybe getting to watch a grown man weep in his cardigan and slacks. 

6. Professor still not intimidated into giving you an A? Stage a minor miracle, hire some bearded men to follow three steps behind you, and then claim to be the second coming of Christ. Make sure he knows that not passing this class could hinder you from saving the souls of all humanity. Basically, if he doesn’t give you an A, everything that is good and pure in the world will die. And it will be his fault. 

7. When gifts, extortion, and divinity fail, it’s time to abandon all pretenses of shame. Flirt shamelessly with your professor. Ask for one on one tutoring, show up to office hours and lock the door behind you, hack the school computer and send out a falsified email cancelling the class so you alone show up. Anything so it’s just you two. Keep it classy by bringing chilled champagne and grapes. The champagne has the added bonus of helping ease the discomfort of performing sexual favors for someone who is likely older than your parents. Just do what must be done, and what must be done is apparently a lot more than just grabbing his crotch. Remember you’re not being a whore if you’re not being paid in cash.