A recent
study conducted by the University of Missouri found that the lack of fast food
options located on campus has resulted in increasing cases of depression in the
student body, as well as a significant drop-off in expected enrollment for
incoming freshmen.

The study,
a yearly satisfaction survey, revealed alarming details about the state of the
student body. “We were completely caught off guard by the findings,” researcher
Nathaniel Nichols said. “More than 95% of the students that finished our
surveys indicated that they had considered quitting school, because they didn’t
have immediate access to a Big Mac or McDonald’s fries.”

Most of the
results of the survey can be attributed to the closing-down of the McDonald’s
restaurant that sat in-between Ellis Library and Middlebush Hall. “The only
reason that I came to Mizzou is that I knew that I’d be able to get a double
quarter pounder with cheese during my breaks,” said freshman Grant Harper. “I’d
saved up money for three years so that I could get five of those a day. When I
got here and found out that it had closed down, my whole life spiraled out of
control.”

Over the
past ten years, the level of students who reported that they had suffered from
depression consistently floated around the 5-10% range. Frightening statistics
from the survey indicated that the number has sky-rocketed to over 70%, with
almost every student attributing their condition to the lack of fast food in
their bloodstream. “Yea sure there’s a T-Bell over by Mark Twain, but I can
only take so much diarrhea, you know?” said sophomore Craig Moore.

Having
interviewed more than fifty students regarding the study, Campus Basement was
able to shed more light on the negative effects of the missing fast food at
Mizzou. “I didn’t know what to do. I started pooping more consistently, my lady
left me for a Wendy’s manager. My whole life came to a screeching halt when that
place closed down,” said sophomore Yorg Borgenson. “Everything came crashing
down. Now did you want an Add Sheet or not?”

Another
chilling detail that the survey revealed was that the University expects to
lose more than six thousand incoming freshmen for the start of the Fall 2012
semester. This would leave MU with approximately 700 students planning to
attend next fall. “Why did I choose to go to Kansas? Burger King, that’s why,”
commented high school senior Richard Dinkleman. “I’ve got a friend that was
going to go to Mizzou, and then decided to become a janitor instead. This guy
cleans up kiddy-puke and there’s a
Long John Silvers only a stone’s throw away.”

Where Mizzou has seen a drop-off,
Moberly Area Community College has experienced a huge influx in enrollment.
These findings have suggested that the proximity of many popular fast food
chains to the community college and the increased enrollment may be related. Michael
Snelling, dean of MACC, has suggested expansion thanks to the rise in new applicants.
“We’ve got the numbers, now we want to keep students here,” he said. “It’s
always been a dream of mine for my students to be able to get a whopper and a second-class education.”