Every great epic of an amorous partnership has an instance of deep heartbreak and betrayal. Brutus betrayed Cesar to take back the republic of Rome; Eduardo sold out Mark Zuckerberg for a book contract; Road Runner leads Wile E Coyote to yet again plummet upwards of 4,000 feet before producing a massive dust cloud. Just when the train of backstabbing was supposed to dock in the station, Mizzou picked up a crack pipe and bashed it over the head of MU student’s sense of safety.
The new vending machine in the side crevice of Memorial Union is a full-bred pupil pulverizer, and he has an orange license stickered in the front to prove it.
“I went to the vending machine for a bottle of water. It got stuck, so I shook the thing up to coax out my beverage,” recalls freshman MU student, Rebecca Wilson. “I didn’t think I shook that hard, but after a few minutes, I gave up and that monster assaulted me from behind.”
Wilson suffered a broke coccyx, damaged sternum, and a punctured lung; all these wounds will heal in time, but the scars the vending beast left on the heart will always leave a gaping hole.
“I didn’t think it was so much to ask for, a simple drink before class. I was parched. He didn’t need to Bobby Brown me like that,” said Wilson.
Her heart-wrenching tale of a mutual love curdling spread across campus, making students everywhere question their relationships with all vending receptacles.
“This marks the end of my relationship with convenient food dispensers,” said another MU student, Kristen Dickherber. “This was supposed to end with the crack pipe.”
Rome fell to tyranny, Mark Zuckerberg’s personal disposition fell to slander, yet the snacks fall for no man; time will be the only determinant for the safety of snack goers all over Columbia.