Greek officials announced early Wednesday morning – the only
workday in Greece – that despite its efforts to salvage their economy, the
country has “very few” options remaining, citing that the yogurt hasn’t been
enough to rescue their market.

The Yogurt
Stimulus was a highly-touted economic first aid kit that the Greeks set up more
than two years ago. Economists agree that while the plan was a brilliant
marketing strategy, it has not been able to sufficiently keep the country
afloat. “We’ve had our factory workers putting in three-day, twelve-hour
work-weeks in order to maximize productivity,” said political strategist Leostopolis
Argyros. According to reports, factory workers have cut their vacation time from
the traditional twenty-six weeks a year to an unprecedented low of twenty-four
weeks, yet the economy remains at an all-time low.

The Yogurt
Stimulus was the brainchild of marketing guru Kostaki Dranias. It was
implemented more than two years ago, and designed to capitalize on what
resources the Greeks had in surplus. “We found that many of our industries had
overproduced some of the unhealthier products. Taking sour cream and calling it
yogurt, I would say, is my magnum opus,” said Dranias.

However,
this “re-labeling” of sour cream didn’t stick immediately. Many consumers were
turned off by the concept of higher-calorie yogurt. “We had to manipulate some
of the foreign markets, like the United States,” said marketing strategist Andrew
Dean. “Consumers in the US are obsessed with pretending like they’re eating
healthy. We stressed the idea that Greek yogurt has three times the protein
that regular yogurt does, and its popularity skyrocketed.”

The
overhaul on the economy was successful up until summer 2011, when American
competitors began to make waves with their own “Greek” yogurt. “America always
does this! They take ideas that other countries have and pretend like it’s
theirs,” commented Dranias. “I’m pretty sure that someone once told me that
Henry Ford didn’t actually invent the assembly line. Also, Greeks were wearing
Spartan condoms long before Trojans were even a blip on the radar.”

There has
been some speculation about the authenticity of “Greek” yogurt produced by
companies in the United States. Campus Basement was able to conduct a taste
test in Athens, Greece, where consumers were blindfolded and tasted two
different yogurts: an authentic Greek yogurt and a Dannon brand Greek yogurt.
The results were astounding, as the most common response for the Dannon brand
was “This doesn’t taste like sour cream at all!”

Officials
spent the last week in Athens working on the bailout deal. Current stipulations
include subsidies on gyros, increased tariffs on tourism, and also the release
of a special edition of the movies 300,
Troy, Percy Jackson & the Olympians
and the Disney movie Herculeson Blu-ray. The deal is expected
to be passed early next week, pending anyone showing up for work that week.