A University of Missouri student and member of the Delta Kappa Rho sorority was shocked yesterday when she was not nominated for an Academy Award.
Julie Anne Drew starred in “Sonata de Truman,” the 1790s-themed production of Delta Kappa Rho, Alpha Sigma Sigma, and Rho Rho Rho. Drew procrastinated her hospitality management homework and stared at
“It’s been, like, 4 hours, and those assholes haven’t texted me back!” Drew said. “When that spotlight was a little to the right and I sang a mash-up of ‘Moonlight Sonata’ and Jason Mraz’s ‘I’m Your’s,’ I was totez a lock for not only Best Costume, but Best Actress.”
The Homecoming Talent production has been making campus improv troupes and the MU Theatre Department pull out their hair over attendance rates for years, filling Jesse Auditorium to capacity for every homecoming since 1911. The nights were filled with Will Ferrell movie references, Greek letter shadow puppets, and a thrilling half-country-half-electronic music playlist that played between skits.
“Yeah, most of the shit was pretty funny,” Rho Rho Rho fraternity brother Jamie Dean said. “I had a nice buzz going, so I just spent most of the time playing the penis game, except when the dancers came out.”
Dean proceeded to mimic a masturbatory gesture with an accompanying O face.
Through the entire skit process Delta Kappa Rho, Rho Rho Rho, and Alpha Sigma Sigma were confident in their chances for victory. With almost half of the members participating in high school theatre—and all involved in crashing high school theatre cast parties—experience proved to be on the 1790s pairing’s side.
“Julie Ann had, like, three supporting roles in high school!” said Meredith Oliver, Delta Kappa Rho skit director. “She should have had the lead, but you know how political high school theatre is. She said the girl who played Maria in West Side Story gave the teacher a handy while singing ‘Gee, Officer Krupke’ for her audition.”
After hours without word from the Academy, they finally texted back with the results of the nominations.
“Hey, totally forgot to respond and then phone died, and then I dropped it in the toilet! Apple Store is the worst right! LOL. Anywho, I don’t think I can give you nomination you’re just not really my type, and I kind of have this thing with a girl in Tri Omega who were paired with. Hope we can be friends still, and good work tonight!”
Following homecoming weekend, Julie Anne Drew has already started writing and rehearsing for her performance in next year’s skit. She has been guaranteed her part after sleeping with Martin Scorsese’s nephew this past homecoming weekend during her sorority family’s party-hopping, which she attended by herself, because her art is more important than family.
“I’ve looked at themes from the last 15 years.” said Julie Anne. “I would just die if we got ‘80s, but who wouldn’t like a theme like primary colors, yanno?”
Meryl Streep was nominated and won Best Actress in place of Julie Anne, shortly after joining the Tri Omega sorority.