In a recent study conducted by Mizzou Basement staff and collaboratively supervised and published by the Harvard University Press, CERN, The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, and Vladimir Putin’s cabinet, it appears that the writers and photo artists at Mizzou Basement can write their articles and photoshop under the influence of alcoholic beverages just fine.

Each writer, over a period of about twenty minutes, was administered several shots of Captain Morgan, and then instructed to pitch ideas, and, if possible, write articles and create corresponding photos. The exact amount of ethyl alcohol given to each participant is currently unclear, as the members of the four aforementioned interest groups, too, found the evening’s events to be hazy.

“Well, I drank everything they told me to, and I think I managed to write a pretty decent article,” one staff writer said. “My boss said it was pretty funny, anyway.”

The idea for this experiment originated from a combination of boredom, curiosity, and a block grant.

Ideas pitched during this experiment included reports on the absurdity of college life, the grievances regarding the freshmen’s RAs, and new orations to blurt at the Speaker’s Circle.

“I got in trouble with my mom for saying ‘crap’ in my last article,” another staff writer said. “Wait till she gets a load of this shit. I managed to write two articles—both with ‘crap’ in them.”

Not so fond of the experiment was one editor from The Maneater, Jill Wilson, who believed it to be abhorrent.

“Mizzou Basement is tasteless, unwholesome, not funny, and the staff’s illicit consumption of alcohol for a pointless experiment is immoral,” Wilson said. “Also, The Maneater doesn’t suck—it wins awards. You guys are so mean.”

Her remarks, fortunately, did not interfere with the experiment, as no one from The Maneater is ever taken seriously for anything.

Each member, however, was able to maketheur rough quota of about 500 words, and both photo artists could make photos for whatever was needed. Also I thikn I left my id in my room..

Fuck I’m amped right now. Ernest Hemming way once said “Write drunk edit sober” so I think I’ll take his advice. It’s roasting in here and it’s a Wednesday and i forgot to do my polirics reading

haha this girl i like liked dr pepper on facebook. Maybe if I like it too she’ll sleep with me. christ I’m lonely

wait I don’t think “howevr is ap style but who cares I could go for some gumby’s right now

wait guys shutup im trying to think. guys fuck off how am I supposd to get home

Whebdn co I jabevt to have thins oublsihed?s dsdssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss