A University of Missouri student was recently admitted to the Student Health Center for a nervous breakdown, and possibly clinical depression, citing that he had “already seen everything on Netflix.”

Shane Raboin, a freshman at the University of Missouri, had high hopes for his first semester of college. “I was really pumped for all of the free time that I was going to get,” he said. “My parents were always bossing me around, telling me to do my homework or stop touching myself at the dinner table.”

It wasn’t until he arrived in Columbia that Shane realized just how free he would be. His roommate, Carter Lewis, suggested that Shane couldn’t handle the independence. “He would just sit in his stupid video game chair all day with the shades drawn and watch Netflix,” he said. “After a while, he started referencing all of these different shows when he’d say something to me. No one should have to watch that much 30 Rock.”

Shane is currently enrolled as a pre-business student at the University. After his admittance into the Student Health Center, his guidance counselor, Judy Watterson, investigated the classes that he was taking. “Usually when a student experiences a nervous breakdown or depression, it has to do with work load,” she said. “It appears to be that Shane never attended a single class. I’d venture a guess to say that he doesn’t even know what classes he’s enrolled in.”

Judy commented further by saying: “It kind of offends me as a representative of the business school. Any moron can graduate with a business degree; you just have to go to class – maybe half the time.”

As Campus Basement conducted our interview with Shane at the Student Health Center, he was constantly checking his iPhone for updates on Netflix. “What was the hardest part of the whole experience for me? Probably seeing the sun.” According to Lewis, Shane, who lives in Gillette, hadn’t been outside his dorm in more than three months.

UM Chancellor Brady Deaton was available for comment on the strange issue, and what it meant for current students. “We here at the University of Missouri take pride in our academics. Some may choose to squander their opportunities on ‘Netflix,’ but I assure you that this is an isolated incident.” The chancellor refused to take any more questions, citing that he was “already halfway through the second season of Arrested Development and that’s when it really hit its stride.” So true.

Reed Hastings, Netflix co-founder and CEO, was notified of the incident early Friday morning. “This is amazing. Last quarter our subscribers streamed over 2 billion hours of content. Chances are that this loser played a big role in that.”

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