Recent reports indicate that a sorority girl at the University of Missouri has broken the all-time record for most walks-of-shame in a single career.
Lucy Horowitz, a sophomore at Mizzou, held a press conference yesterday regarding her incredible feat. “I’d like to thank my mother and my father,” she said. “Without their lack of quality parenting, I would have never broken this record.” Horowitz later went on to say that she “definitely doesn’t have any STDs.”
Buster Olney, ESPN’s senior baseball writer, was astonished at Horowitz’s accomplishment after less than two years in college. “I haven’t seen this kind of talent at such a young age since Ken Griffey Jr. hit the Show at 19,” he said. “Four-hundred and sixty-three walks-of-shame puts you as a first-ticket hall-of-famer, no questions asked.”
Not all groups are impressed with Horowitz’s accomplishment, as some critics have arisen claiming that she wasn’t ever ashamed of her walks home from fraternity houses. “Lucy Horowitz hasn’t been ashamed of walking home since the first week of freshman year,” said obviously-jealous sophomore Jennifer Tarly. “How can it be a walk-of-shame if she treats it like a slutty runway?” Judging by her tone of voice, Campus Basement can indeed confirm that Tarly was really jealous.
Members of various fraternities have come forward to voice their support for Horowitz. “Loosey Lucy? Hell yea I know her,” said hardcore fratter and complete idiot Seth Sampson. “I was probably around number two-hundred or so. She still has my Top Dawg workout shirt – I lent it to her when she stayed over and I’ve been having trouble getting my pump on without it.”
Some have even suggested that Horowitz is on par with Jose Canseco, taking advantage of unsuspecting men much like Canseco gobbled up steroids in the 80s and 90s. “I can assure you that I’ve never tampered with my performance,” said Horowitz. “I would just stay home on holidays to catch the record. While others were celebrating Jesus’ birth with a month off of school, I was staying at a different frat each night.” Horowitz added later that she “wasn’t proud at all, and totally embarrassed each morning-after.”
Over the course of her run towards glory, Horowitz collected more than three-hundred pairs of gym shorts, as well as high school t-shirts from more than twenty states.
The previous record holder, “Slippery” Sammy Thompson, was both impressed and relieved after hearing that her title had been taken from her. “I’m just glad that it’s finally over with,” she said. “I was getting tired of introducing my children to strange men at the grocery store. It’s tough on the kids when they hear their mom being called ‘Slippery.’”
However, it is apparent that Horowitz’s record may not be as safe as she thinks. An up-and-coming high school senior has been causing splashes at Stanford University, having already racked up over two-hundred walks-of-shame. “That girl’s a slut,” said Horowitz. “Total slut.”