Merman, man, Merman. That’s all you need to know. No, he doesn’t have the black lung, and no, wetness isn’t the essence of beauty. Although, this merman is beautiful, he began his legacy as a young boy. From the days as a young guppy, this merman was doing as some might consider, “making plays.” While many believed the Titanic sunk due to an iceberg, reality is that a hole was torn into the ship by, Derrick, a merman. He had some beef with the captain after some mermaid sex trafficking went down, and he repaid him by tearing his ship in half. That’s the part James Cameron left out. As he matured, Derrick took his talents to Atlantis where he began an underground starfish trading business. He took up the name “Poseidon” to avoid detection from law enforcement. Maybe you’ve heard of him?

All nonsense aside, this guy is a total badass. When you think of other fictional characters, what do they all have in common? They’re fake. But this fictional character is something different. He’s real. Is it nonfiction? Maybe, but I like to think it isn’t.

One time, he sneezed, and Sri Lanka was history. He’s been sick once. He had a bad cough, and the next thing you know, New Orleans was underwater. He’s an icon undersea, overseas and everything in between. He once humped a humpback whale, just to prove a point. The cartoon show, Aquaman is loosely based on his college career, and Shark Week only exists because he graciously allows the sharks to receive camera time.

Scientists believe that the tides are a result of the gravitational pull of the moon, but in reality, Derrick is just yawning. Seashells are his toenail clippings, and you don’t want to know why the water is so salty.

To not vote for Derrick, the Merman would be ignorant, yes. But it’s more than that.. It would be an insult to the seven seas and Mother Nature herself. He had sex with her too. Just in case you were wondering.