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10 Ways to Fool a Sorority Girl Into Bed

Article by 9 to 5

October 26, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Wheps, would you look at that?

◄ Letters to my College-Self: Le Art of Binge Drinking (see also, barfing)

What The Fuck Mizzou: Stupidity and Genital Whacking ►

April 10, 2013

Student Files Restraining Order Against Ex-Girlfriend after Quadruple Text

Monday following spring break, MU student Brad O’Neal filed a restraining order in the local district court against classmate Katie Gladhill on the grounds that she was “being a total psycho bitch”. According to Mr. O’Neal, the two had ended their romantic relationship earlier in the semester and as spring break was approaching the texts... MORE »

March 6, 2013

Girl Gets Drunk, Cries About Nothing

MU student Sarah Stark was found on the back deck of AΣΣ’s house last Thursday, bawling her eyes out for no apparent reason. “One second I see her up on the table dancing with a guy I’m almost certain she’s never met, and the next second she’s falling all over me sobbing, ‘I wanna go... MORE »

February 28, 2013

Alpha Sigma Sigma Builds Coat Room, Becomes Top Frat on Campus

In a recent poll conducted by the MU Greek System, Alpha Sigma Sigma, Mizzou’s formerly lowest-ranked fraternity by female students, has recently been rated “Top House on Campus.” Though experts are citing a number of reasons for the rankings upset, female students asked about their sudden change in heart towards the fraternity, nearly all mentioned... MORE »

February 20, 2013

PhD Candidates Cite Social Justice FIG as Inspiration

Today, during a press conference that nobody asked for, several doctoral candidates of Sociology and Political Science at the University of Missouri cited the Social Justice Freshmen Interest Group program, or FIG for short, as an inspiration for their further pursuits. The FIG meets once every week for an hour to discuss issues that mostly... MORE »

February 6, 2013

Top Ten Pop Culture Predictions of 2013

1. Kim Kardashian gives birth on live television, baby Kimye eats its way out of Kim’s uterus Twilight-style. Kris Jenner promptly sells the newborn’s life rights to E!. 2. Anne Hathaway punches Best Actress winner Jessica Chastain at the Oscars: “I SHAVED MY HEAD FOR THIS.” 3. Leonardo DiCaprio decides to move to daytime television... MORE »

February 5, 2013

MU Brony Club and Collegiate Horsemen’s Associates engage in barn clearing brawl

Sparks flew last Tuesday between Mizzou’s respected Collegiate Horsemen’s association and the newly instated Brony club. It started as an argument over Pinky Pie and her relevance to horse grooming culture and standards, but quickly escalated into an all out brawl in the horse stables behind Hatch Hall. There were no fatalities, though several horse... MORE »

January 30, 2013

Anime Cosplayers and Dubstep Enthusiasts Plan Massive Party, Record Low Attendance Expected

Both anime cosplayers and dubstep enthusiasts alike have grown tired of being relatively companionless, and reports are surfacing that members from both subcultures have converged to plan what they believe will be the greatest, most life-changing party ever. The idea was the brainchild of Japanophile Chris Petersson, who Facebooked one entire acquaintance, Steven Clark, an... MORE »

January 29, 2013

Mizzou’s Twerk Team Turns Heads, Werks Dat Booty

Mizzou’s best-kept secret, its Twerk Team, has gained a substantial amount of notoriety this week after a record seventh place finish at the Middle America Collegiate Twerking Classic. Competing against fourteen teams from neighboring states, the Tiger twerkers proved not just to Missouri, but Illinois, Arkansas and other less relevant nearby states (Kansas) that there... MORE »

January 17, 2013

Gay men everywhere speak out in support of Manti Te’o: ‘We’ve all been there.”

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o has recently come under fire since it was discovered that his late girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, never actually existed. In spite of the allegations and subsequent media frenzy, one group has surprisingly and publicly come out in support of Te’o: the gay community. “So what, he made up his girlfriend? That... MORE »

January 8, 2013

Cool College Guy Claims He’s Really Into Sports And Having Sex With Women

Last Thursday night Freshman Doyle Matheson admitted in conversation with a member of the opposite sex that he was “really into sports.” “Ladies love guys that are really into sports,” said Matheson, “which explains why I get it in on the regs.” As evidence of his love of sports, Matheson receives ESPN updates to his... MORE »

April 11, 2012

Guide to Getting a Job

April 3, 2012

Networking Letters: What You Say vs. What You Mean

Networking is tough. As any college career center will tell you, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” Unfortunately for you smart people out there, it’s true! You don’t have to know anything to be rich and successful. Just look at Kim Kardashian. Getting a job or your own TV show about your... MORE »

March 21, 2012

9 to 5: The Search

Basement Readers, Allow me to introduce myself. I am 26 years old. I’m a white, middle class, 99-percenter. I have a bachelor’s degree from a petty good undergraduate institution. In other words, I’m average. I have worked jobs in every field you can think of (including working in an actual field), but this booming economy... MORE »

MU Basketball Players Actually Monstars

Top 6.5 ways to get people to go to Basketball Games

Welcome to Missouri.

The Mizzou Fiasco

Jake's Movie Monday: One Fan's One Shining Moment

The Syllabus to Syllabus Week

One Liners of the Week

MU students suspect nicotine as Baja’s secret ingredient

10 Ways to Fool a Sorority Girl Into Bed

Guide to Getting a Job

Networking Letters: What You Say vs. What You Mean

9 to 5: The Search

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