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Congratulations. You’ve passed go, collected your GPA and proceeded to your former stomping grounds known as your “hometown”. But because you won’t have any “studying” to occupy your time, boredom can set in. Here are 10 things to keep you busy.

Exercise ““

Look, I know you still have that “youthful” metabolism, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can down 2000 calories of beer and vodka in a weekend and stay at your fighting weight. When you’re at school, I’m sure you can rationalize your never having actually stepped inside the rec center with a combination of “academic dedication” and hip apathy, but you’ve really got nothing better to do, and while girls may more frequently drink from kegs, I’m pretty sure they prefer six packs.

Sleep with your Ex ““

I know you’re going to do it, you know you’re going to do it, and your dog has a sneaking suspicion. Just pretend it’s part of your plan and remember: if there’s no protection, don’t touch the erection.

Text your college friends ““

Though internally you know your time at school continually drives you closer to being a full-fledged, self-effacing, intraverted alcoholic, your home friends don’t know that. As far as they know, you’re a healthy, productive member of the community. Keep it that way by continually sending witty one liner texts to classmates and dorm buddies. This plan serves twofold, as it will also remind people who are indifferent about your existence that you are, in fact, alive.

Watch MTV ““

Watching MTV is essentially masturbating. Everybody does it, but if you want to maintain even a low level of respectability, it’s best to keep it to yourself; the pleasure is short-lived, followed by a much longer, more powerful sense of shame, and it’s horribly embarrassing if someone catches you in the act. That’s why your weeks of being home are primed for MTV viewing, more privacy, more flexible hours, and a bigger TV to enjoy 45 minutes of The Situation’s abs.

Masturbate ““

Same reasons as above. Don’t act like you weren’t thinking it.

Complain ““

It’s always easiest to complain about something to people who have no direct knowledge of the situation. That way, they can’t refute anything you’re saying, and despite your self-loathing being less productive, it should be considerably more satisfying. Whether it was your class load for last semester, how people from where you are “just don’t get it, man”, or something about how infrequently you’re getting your dick touched, you get to make a one sided case. It’s an opportunity that doesn’t come along often, so seize the day, you pitiful bastard.

Revamp your wardrobe ““

Now that it’s winter, the graphic-tee-shorts-and-sandals thing is losing its gusto. Winter break is the perfect time to shop for something that doesn’t scream “I’m in college, y’all.” Men, shoot for single-colored undershirts and nicely fitting button-downs. Get things that layer nicely. Ladies, you’re on your own (try not to kill your grandmother with cleavage though, she’s fragile).

Read a book ““

I’m very aware of how “totally chill” it is to just Sparknote the assigned chapters of whatever your “lame” English professor assigned to you, but have you ever thought that maybe there’s a book you might genuinely like? Take winter break as an opportunity to actually open a real book and see if you can enjoy what’s on the pages. Remember, authors use big words, so sound them out and use context clues if you’re confused. You can do this.

Freestyle Rap -

You’re probably bad at it, so it’s best nobody else hears you. Take advantage of the privacy. Your roommate will appreciate it.

Be Funnier ““

If your friends like you, but rightfully don’t consider you the funny one, winter break is the perfect time to change that perception. It’s a simple plan: take all of the funny comments your smarter, cooler, wittier than you friends from school said, and repeat them when topically appropriate while at home. For added benefit, take note of the funny things your friends from home say, rinse, and repeat the steps when you get back to school.

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