A University of Missouri student reportedly shed thirty pounds of weight, only to put on fifteen pounds of lean muscle in the week preceding spring break.
The student, Sean Jensen, is a sophomore at the university. Originally clocking in at 215lbs, Jensen faced ridicule from his fraternity brothers. “Yea, they weren’t very supportive of my diet or my workout plan,” said Jensen, whose diet consisted of skipping breakfast and eating Taco Bell three times a day, including after workouts. “Four cheesy gordita crunches, two volcano tacos, and a volcano burrito. Three times a day, except when I rage, because I get hungry.”
With classes being put on hold for the spring holiday, many students travel to hotspots like Panama City Beach and Cancun to participate in debauchery and alcohol-fueled sexcapades. Jensen cites wanting to look “absolutely shredded” while he commits sins against both man and nature, as his motivation for working out. Having “cultivated mass” for three months, Jensen hit the gym this past week with his workout plan “I blasted my upper-body with bench every single day,” said Jensen. “After getting yoked on my chest, I’d mash like a thousand curls.” Following five days of lifting, Jensen weighed 205lbs and had cut his body fat down to 2%.
Originally, university officials suspected Jensen of a “Barry-Bonds” level of tampering with his own body, but after careful testing they found no evidence to support their claim. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater was able to explain what his research team found:
“When Sean started lifting, he was probably composed of fifty-five percent fat, and forty-five percent beer. I exaggerate of course – it was more like sixty-forty. After his week of five thirty-minute workouts, he transformed his body into a Herculean sculpture. Also, his dong grew like six inches.”
The doctor went on to say that “some magical combination of Taco Bell, cheap beer, and copious amounts of self-confidence made the difference here. There is no science to explain this.”
Mizzou dietitian and Rec employee Maggie Bowman was more than shocked at the transformation made by Jensen. “His plan defies all conventional thought,” she said. “He literally did everything that you shouldn’t do, and ended up looking like Atlas.”
Having examined the case from all angles, Bowman was able to offer final words of thought regarding the unusual transformation: “I guess what it really comes down to is that this proves that there’s no reason for someone to stay healthy year-round or even workout from time to time.” She concluded her thought by saying “I quit my job, where’s the nearest Taco Bell?”