In recent weeks, multiple studies have been published and widely publicized about how Red Meat relates to the mortality rate of those who consume it. The study showed that eating unprocessed Red Meat raised the mortality risk by 13% and processed by 20%. However, yesterday a far more troubling study was released: the mortality rate for those who consume Red Meat is, in fact, 100%.
In the study, which was conducted by top researchers from every Ivy League university (even Cornell), over the past 100 years, they found that every one of the 200,000 Red Meat consuming participants died.
“We were shocked to see the negative effects that Red Meat had on these people,” Yale researcher Judd E. Bloom said. “Literally everyone died.”
Not known for their lack of due diligence, the researchers controlled for every possible mitigating factor, including consumption of fruits and vegetables, as well as frequency of bowel movements and the participants toothpaste preference.
“No matter how many servings of fruits and vegetables they ate, whether they had their bowel movements twice a day or every other day, or even if they preferred Crest over Colgate, they all died,” Harvard professor Sean Jay Carter said. “It was astonishing, honestly. I can’t think of any factor we didn’t isolate. We did everything we could.”
The researchers found that, besides death, there were many other troubling side effects of eating Red Meat over time. Among the scarier ones were balding in men, wrinkling of skin, decrease in bone density and a sometimes-shocking lack of social graces. Along with these came, to a lesser extent, a misunderstanding of modern technology and increased consumption of butter scotch candies.
“Over time, it appeared participants became far more nostalgic and far less in tune with what was happening currently,” Princeton researcher Joan M. Adden said. “It was almost as if they were getting older. It was like watching Benjamin Button in reverse.”
The researchers, through their controls and rigorous detailing of data, made every attempt to find a group of people that could outlast even their occasional Red Meat consumption, but it became abundantly clear that no matter what else a person’s diet consists of, if Red Meat is consumed, they will eventually die.