This week, CBS News reported that *Missouri was the eleventh fattest state* (*Make this a hyperlink to the news story*) in the continental U.S., as well as the entire union. As expected, many state and federal law makers were upset with the unflattering distinction. The number 11 tag shows a continuing, frustrating trend within Missouri: a persistent inability to be the best at anything.
“I don’t even really know what to say,” Chancellor Brady Deaton said. “It’s an all-consuming disappointment that I’m feeling right now. It took the wind out of me.”
Deaton had been attempting to raise the state’s obesity levels to new heights through littering the dining halls with delectable desserts, greasy burgers and carbohydrate loaded main dishes, though it appears those efforts were futile.
“I thought if we took the Chick-Fil-A and McDonald’s off campus, it would be more impressive when we hit number one,” Deaton said. “Sort of like a baseball player that doesn’t use steroids but still hits the most.”
Of course, the University of Missouri campus can’t be alone in accepting the fault, it shows a systematic and widespread failure across the entire state. Since the announcement, State Legislators have been tirelessly working on ideas to free Missouri of its stagnant mediocrity in 2013.
“We’re considering outlawing cigarettes, as studies show people gain weight when forced to quit,” Chris Kelly, a State Representative for Boone County, said. “Unfortunately, we can’t up our regulation of Methamphetamines, which would certainly help here, because we’re so close to reclaiming our name as the “Crystal Meth Capital” of America, and we can’t sacrifice one goal for another.”
For many, it appears the ranking itself is second in frustration to the states that lead the Show-Me State. Among those most frustrated is University of Missouri Athletic Director Mike Alden.
“We’re behind too many SEC States,” Alden said. “It’s just flat out embarrassing. We’re trying to make a good impression on the conference, and all we’ve shown so far is how handedly they can beat us in everything.”
Mississippi (one), Alabama (two), Tennessee (four), Louisiana (five), Kentucky (six), South Carolina (eight), and Arkansas (nine) all lie ahead of Missouri in the state’s quest for number one.
Governor Jay Nixon is currently working on his own obesity plan that is supposedly capable of raising the state’s BMI by five points in a calendar year, a number that is high enough to leap-frog Missouri to the top.
“Among other things, fruits and vegetables are now going to be regulated in a similar manner to cocaine. Also, we’re upping our regulation of cocaine,” Nixon said. “Our prisons and all state controlled school districts and universities will now exclusively service macaroni and cheese. We will also be instituting a “Finish Your Food Or We Will Literally Kill You” plan, which was championed partially by P. Diddy. As well as having all gym classes and recesses are suspended indefinitely, and all weight rooms in schools and prisons are to be melted into more silverware with which people can use to stuff their faces.”
It is unclear what kicked the state’s inferiority complex into such a higher gear, though many believe it has to do with the Missouri Tiger’s untimely exit from the tournament, or the general existence of East St. Louis.