The victim, Rick Gerund, was on a tour of the MU campus when his head exploded without warning. The incident left many individuals in shock due to the rareness of the case. However, tour guide leader Justin Render wasn’t surprised at all.
“It’s not the first time that this has happened,” Render said. “I’ve personally witnessed at least 15 incoming freshmen explode in one way or another. Sometimes they just can’t handle everything that they see.”
Witnesses told university police that they had seen smoke being emitted from Gerund’s ears early on in the day. It wasn’t until the tour group entered the dorms when Gerund finally burst.
“He just…blew up,” Whitney Henderson said, who was in the tour group with Gerund. “It was like in that movie, ‘Scanners,’ where that news reporter’s head blew up. This wasn’t nearly as funny though.”
Medics arrived on the scene after Render called the emergency number. Police said that the medics administered several adhesive bandages, which were about as useful as five seconds in the microwave.
University doctors have not yet decided upon the cause of the combustion, but a case of this magnitude has allotted for a high number of theories.
“Personally, I think that he was so overwhelmed at the possibility of living on the same floor as girls that his body couldn’t take it,” Alec Wring said, a doctor at the university. “It was either that or the mention of a Chipotle near campus that did it. Hell, my head almost exploded when I found that out.”
Other theories have surfaced concerning the incident which may explain the strange case. The university has officially ruled it as a suicide, simply because officials are too lazy to classify it as anything else.
Geoff Brown, another member of the tour group, was particularly upset because his favorite Affliction shirt and studded jeans were ruined.
“My parents spent at least $200 on my outfit,” Brown said. “Now I have to go out and buy new douchey clothes just to replace those ones. We’re thinking about filing suit against his family.”
The Gerund family offered Brown a gift basket filled with Axe body spray and really tiny designer boxer briefs as an apology.
As a result of the incident, a disclaimer was posted on Mizzou’s website, especially directed at parents and incoming students. The disclaimer states that the university will not be responsible for the “explosion of any body part on any student during a Summer Welcome tour, unless there was an actual bomb that blew them up. In that case, whoops.”
Friends and family have organized a wake in honor of Gerund, who was especially beloved for his ability to recite Eve 6’s “Inside Out” in its entirety, which really isn’t that impressive.