Kiper, the senior NFL draft analyst for ESPN, held a press conference at 8 a.m. Friday to announce his lawsuit. Kiper claimed that Romney’s hairstyle was a blatant copycat of his “legendary locks.”
“After looking at several hours of tape, my lawyers and I decided to draft up a plan of action against Mr. Romney,” Kiper said at the conference. “Mitt Romney is trying to capitalize on my success; much like Matt Cassel did when he took over for the Patriots in 2007. Once you take away that legendary offensive line – in this case hair – he’s just another sucky quarterback.”
Because a hairstyle can’t actually be copyrighted, Kiper’s lawsuit is invalid and mostly just a reason to call attention to himself. The Romney camp made the decision anyway to address the allegations, further proving that his campaign is run by 10-year-olds.
Romney held an impromptu response via MySpace Friday night at approximately 9 p.m. In his statement, Romney cited his recently-released tax returns to prove that his haircut wasn’t styled exactly off of Kiper’s.
“I just want to say that first off, the American people are suffering and I’ve helped to provide jobs to hundreds of thousands of hairstylists,” Romney said. “The president will look at my hairstyle and say, ‘You didn’t build that.’ We small business owners know that, yes, we did build that. My haircut, I mean.”
The announcement left the political sphere buzzing Friday, which allowed for infamous Missouri Republican Senate candidate Todd Akin to weigh in on the controversy.
“If this is a true, legitimate haircut, then Mitt Romney should have nothing to worry about,” Akin said. “From what I understand, if someone’s hair is cut and it looks like another person’s, the hair has a way of rejecting the cut. The trauma from the cut changes the hair so it’ll be slightly different from the true style.”
Lunatics aside, Kiper launched a publicity campaign Friday to garner support for his lawsuit crusade. The campaign, which is called “Restore Prosp-hairity,” showcased Kiper analyzing game tape of Romney during speeches and rallies.
“If you take a look at this tape here, you see that Romney’s hair obviously doesn’t have big-play-potential like mine does,” Kiper said. “Todd McShay would put Romney’s hair over mine on the big board, but that’s because he’s a pussy.”
After the announcement, Romney’s poll numbers took a nosedive. The most recent Gallup poll said that only 14% of Americans approved of Romney’s haircut.
“It just isn’t fair,” Romney said. “Obama’s copied the hairstyle of about every player in the NFL You don’t see those guys complaining, do you?”