Ellis Library officials announced Saturday morning that a janitor had stumbled upon what appeared to be a hidden room, finding a man that University representatives suggest to have been asleep for the last thirty years.
The janitor, Irving Winkle, was completely taken aback when he discovered the room. “Now I’ve worked for the university for fifteen years, cleaning up nasty [expletive] in those bathrooms,” he said. “I’m not surprised about this room though – seems like I find something new about Ellis every day. Yesterday I found out that they have bookshere.”
The man in question, now identified as Gerry Washington, was found face-down asleep on a pile of textbooks. “We weren’t really sure what to think of him at first I guess,” said librarian Marian Daughtry. “I had a hunch that he’d been asleep for awhile, and his Huey Lewis and the News shirt really confirmed my suspicions.”
Gerry, now 50 years old, was in a state of shock when he was roused by the janitor. “The first thing I thought was I wondered if I had missed my final,” said Washington. “I studied all night for that ‘Facing the Red Menace’ class.”
Washington was slated to graduate in 1984, having arrived at the university at the beginning of the decade. Skepticism was easily debunked when administrators confirmed that Gerry really had been asleep for thirty years. “We asked him a number of questions, all pertaining to our time period,” said Claire Sinclair, a top administrator in the psychology department. “For some reason he wouldn’t stop asking questions about The Who’s farewell tour, and whether I had tickets or not.”
Campus Basement was able to get an exclusive interview with Gerry, where he shed some light on his predicament. “Well I’d been studying for that Cold War class, and couldn’t seem to stay focused. Some cat must’ve seen me because he gave me a pill and said that it would help,” said Washington. “So I took it and started to feel funny, like my head was going to explode just like that Nazi’s did inRaiders[of the Lost Ark]. I found an empty room upstairs somewhere and don’t remember anything else.”
Many psychologists have warned Gerry about entering the modern world, and how it could be detrimental to his health. “I’m not really concerned about it,” he said. “Never count out the little man. People counted out America my freshman year, but Herb Brooks and our boys took home the gold in the Olympics.” He concluded his statement by saying that “Jim Craig is the greatest goalie to ever play,” and began chanting “USA, USA.”
Gerry, now homeless, degreeless, and friendless, expects to pick up where he left off thirty years ago. He plans to reapply at Shakespeare’s, his former employer. When asked about this decision he cited that “thirty years have gone by and those guys still dress like I do.”