Anthony Dingleberry, a junior at MU, is the head editor and head writer for University Attic, a student-run satire blog. Dingleberry admitted in a press conference that his class and workload were too strenuous to submit another article.
“I’ve been super slammed with projects and stories and other really important stuff,” Dingleberry said to an empty room in Memorial Union. “Plus, I’m too far behind in ‘The Walking Dead.’ If I don’t catch up soon, then I’ll just lose all interest and someone will spoil the storyline.”
The blog has been publishing content for two years and Dingleberry said that its popularity has increased exponentially since its inception. By exponentially, he meant that it went from no one reading it to “at least 15 people.”
“I do feel like I’ve let my fans down,” Dingleberry said. “My parents have been asking me whether I’ll publish another article or not. It hurts knowing that I’m leaving them out to dry like that.”
Many other members of the University Attic staff have admitted that they too are busy with school schedules. With the oncoming holiday season, one member doesn’t see himself publishing another article in the foreseeable future.
“I can’t see it happening until at least January,” Sigmund Klasky said. “Have you even seen the games that have come out recently? Halo 4 is on its way, I’m finishing up Borderlands 2, I’ve got Assassin’s Creed 3 on deck – I think we can all agree that these take precedence over anything else.”
Other members of the University Attic staff claim that they have recently acquired “jobs” where they are required to “work” for hours at a time. The freshmen on staff have voiced their skepticism about these excuses, claiming that they have never heard of such responsibilities.
“Personally, I don’t believe in working or anything associated with that,” Jackson Dickson said. “I haven’t written an article in a while either, but that’s because I’ve been swamped trying to catch up on ‘Breaking Bad.’”
Students at the university took the news hard Monday as like, 20 people lined up outside Kaldi’s coffee with protest signs and burning effigies. Some protestors shouted, “Death to Attica, death to Attica,” outside of the coffee shop while others threw rocks and stones at the store’s windows. Kaldi’s is the regular meeting place for University Attic and experienced its worst white riot since the Wilco concert this past summer.
“We demand retribution, we demand an apology,” protestor Mary Bagby said. “The people of Columbia deserve moderately funny satire, and we are sick and tired of having to wait days at a time for new content. I have a very limited schedule due to all of the TV that I watch – if I only I had a DVR.”