A Columbia man was the cause of outcry yesterday as he chose to be the only person on the planet not to participate in recognizing Earth Day.
Arthur McArthur, the man that single-handedly ruined Earth Day for everyone, doesn’t regret his decision at all. “What has the earth ever done for me?” said McArthur. “How many times have we saved the earth already? Take Armageddon for example, we saved earth from a giant asteroid. I think it owes us one.”
McArthur’s decision to not recognize Earth Day has spawned international controversy as well, putting the United States in the spotlight. “The People’s Republic of China is very disappointed in Mr. McArthur and the United States,” said Chinese representative Yao Chin. “Even China cut back on pollution yesterday. I actively chose not to dump my trash in some local stream. Do you know how hard that was?”
As a way to protest the day of observance, McArthur chose to utilize every resource available to him. “He turned all of his lights on for starters,” said neighbor Granola Williams. “I saw him grilling with Styrofoam instead of charcoal last night too; moth earth weeps for his crimes.”
McArthur says that he doesn’t understand the backlash that he’s received. “Yesterday was the best day of my life. I took ten showers and didn’t even turn the water off. I also did forty loads of laundry – one piece of clothing at a time,” said McArthur. “It’s my God-given right to waste. Waste not, want not, Hebrews 2:4.”
Local sources have concluded that McArthur used enough water to supply Nigerians for over two-hundred years – in twelve hours.
Michelle Whipke, a Trader Joe’s employee from St. Louis, drove overnight to Columbia to protest McArthur. “I just wanted to let him know that he is a disgrace to humanity,” she said. “Even more embarrassing than every Adam Sandler movie in the last ten years.” Whipke later went on to say that she “made [her] sign from hemp that was grown in [her] own backyard.”
A Hy-Vee employee came forward Sunday night to reveal startling information regarding the McArthur controversy. “He came to our store Friday asking if he could buy as many plastic bags as we’d allow him. I didn’t even think that he’d burn all four-thousand of them,” said Stephanie Miller, pathetic Hy-Vee manager. “He ate some of our Hy-Vee pizza beforehand. I should have known something was wrong – who eats at Hy-Vee and doesn’t get Chinese?”
McArthur reflected upon his news-making day, and what, if anything, he would have done differently. “I had a whole bunch of those plastic things that hold soda cans together,” he said. “I wanted to go put some ducks or puppies or something in them, but lost track of time cutting down trees.”