The student, Jeff Waters, was a freshman experiencing his first spring break as a college student. “He was my pledge brother, and more importantly, my closest friend,” said Marc Winterson, Jeff’s alleged best friend. “We did some pretty sick shit together. Yea, I touched his wiener, so what?”
Jeff and his fraternity brothers had been partying all week in Panama City Beach, like many college students with no responsibility or self-respect. “I wanted him to go to PCB looking like all of his brothers, so I bought him some Sperry Topsiders,” said mother Cindy. “I told him that they were boat shoes – I just didn’t think that he’d literally think that they were boats.”
On the final day of their trip, Jeff and his friends decided to go on an alcohol-infused boat trip, or “booze cruise.” It was here that Jeff drunkenly ventured out into the water under the impression that he was floating like a boat. “I thought it was really funny at first, because I was just absolutely hammered,” said fraternity brother Chaz Khan. “Actually now that I think about it, it’s still kinda funny – almost like a fake news story for some college website.”
After hearing the heartbreaking news, Jeff’s family wasn’t sure who to take action against. “Well we thought about suing Sperry Topsider for false advertisement,” said mother Cindy. “But our lawyer, Lucifer Voldemort, suggested suing the boat’s captain. He was a black guy, so you know he’s probably done something wrong.” Panama City Beach Officials announced early Saturday morning that Martin Wilson, the boat’s captain, had already been legally murdered before the Waters family could file suit – because he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt around white people.
A candlelight vigil was held Friday night on the beach in remembrance of Jeff’s unexpectedly short life. Students played popular songs during the ceremony, including “Wild Ones” by Flo Rida, “Starships” by Nicki Minaj, and ironically, “I’m on a Boat” by The Lonely Island. Members of the vigil as well as thousands of other mourners were taking shots on shots on shots in memory of Jeff.
Jeff’s death left an impression upon all those involved in spring break, serving as a reminder to those who dodged the bullet of death-by-alcohol-poisoning. “The look on his face – the only thing more frightening than it was my old Teddy Ruxpin doll. I asked for a Furby and that’s what my parents gave me. God that was scary,” said Winterson. “Do I blame myself for Jeff’s death? Of course not, he was an idiot.”