Dalton Croggs, a sophomore at Mizzou, reported the incident Thursday after his exam ended at 3:50 p.m. Doctors at the Student Health Center treated Croggs and noticed that his underwear had suffered severe damage.
Mudbutt, a clinical condition, occurs when the diagnosed person experiences significant leftover leakage in their rectum that prevails after the post-wipe period, leaving a “muddy” reservoir in the individual’s underwear.
After being alerted of his condition, Croggs admitted that he wasn’t surprised to discover the magnitude of his situation.
“I knew that I was in for something huge when I sat down,” Croggs said. “I’ve been eating a lot of Chipotle recently so that’s probably why. Plus, I went for a run the morning of and accidentally ate 15 fiber pills the night before, because I mistook them for iodine capsules.”
Doctors indicated that Croggs’ case was the most severe incident of swamp-ass that had ever been recorded, giving his case the title of “Critical Ass.” An expert mudbutt analyst suggested that the swamp-ass was so bad that even the Creature from the Black Lagoon wouldn’t swim in it.
The previous record was held by Brad Pritchard in 1986, where Pritchard consumed more than twice his body weight in Chinese buffet food.
“Am I disappointed about being dethroned? Of course I am,” Pritchard said. “Will this help to erase the last 26 years of embarrassment and humiliation? I can only hope so.”
Dr. Pewp, the teacher who held the midterm exam, said that she noticed something was off as soon as Croggs walked in.
“He came into the classroom looking visibly disheveled, which isn’t normal for a goofy kid like that,” she said. “When he turned around to take his seat, I saw that his pants were literally shoved up into his buttcrack. I knew that it had to be at critical ass after I saw that.”
A bomb squad was called in by the doctors at the Student Health Center and arrived promptly two hours later. Croggs was tied to the operation table as the rectum-straction team carefully removed all remnants of his underwear. After another three hours, Croggs was scrubbed head to toe with soap, followed by the application of an obscene amount of talcum powder.
“I think that the real issue here is this whole country has gone to shit and it’s all Barry Obama’s fault,” witness and local yodel Racoon Huckleberry said. “I’m not one to read into too many issues, but if you’re as drunk as I am, then yes.”