So, I’ve been the target for frequent ghost attacks ever since I decided it was a good idea to do an Ouija board in front of a cemetery at three in the morning. Candles, friends, rain, creepy aspects all in line, I’m pretty sure that some ghost got really pissed off and decided to haunt me until I just can’t take it anymore. No matter how many times I ripped up that Ouija board, smashed it in the dirt and tried to “close the portal” I’m forever screwed. Due to my frequent haunts and extensive knowledge in the ghost realm I have five tips for those who feel a ghost attack may be materializing:

Slam doors: So when you think about it, ghosts probably have to walk through a lot of doors to get to “our side.” Walking in and out of doors day in and day out would get pretty annoying, SO, if you feel like a ghost is about to pounce, slam the door in its face! That’s signifying that you are shutting your world off from their world; chances are they will turn around and find another person to haunt that has curtains or something.

Holy water: Apparently this shit works pretty well. Sprinkle it, bathe in it, drink it, roll around in it, I don’t know, make tea out of it or something. All I know is you should probably buy gallons of it.

Salt circle: I hear that ghosts are kind of like snails, they hate salt. So create a salt circle around you and declare, “NO ONE SHALL ENTER THEE CIRCLE OF SALT.” Ghosts will be so scared of melting that they won’t come near you.

Don’t be a pussy: First off you don’t see a ghost going after Gerard Butler or Daniel Craig, because they just look B.A. So next time you see a ghost coming your way, grow some balls and look big. Remember: ghosts see you running up the stairs at night when it’s dark, ghosts see when you cover your head beneath the blankets so you don’t get your brains sucked out, GHOSTS see EVERYTHING. Just hide your inner pansy and look tough.

Eat a lot of onions: So, this may be just vampires. But hey, ANYTHING is worth a try right?
http://aggiehorticulture.tamu.edu/archives/parsons/publications/onions/onionrecipes.html
I threw in some onion recipes in case this really does work.
Good luck, my little ghosthunters! 
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