Tanner Bearington, a freshman at MU, was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 in his dorm room when a S.W.A.T. team broke in. The team was working with the Columbia Police Department in a coagulated (syrupy) effort to apprehend Bearington.
“They beat the shit out of me!” Bearington said as doctors pulled pieces of pine cone and porcupine spikes out of Bearington’s testicles. “All I said was that I had suffered from the ‘Mizzou 72’ and not the ‘Mizzou 22’ like everyone else says. I was being ironic because I’ve put on a lot of weight!”
Chancellor Brady Deaton was at the hospital Wednesday night and appeared reluctant to accept Bearington’s side of the story. Deaton spit on Bearington as he talked and even used a feather to tickle Bearington’s naked foot, much like one of those old Looney Toons villains.
“The kid’s a liar, plain and simple,” Deaton said. “The Mizzou 22 is a staple of the freshmen experience – and its rules are very strict. All freshmen gain 22 pounds at one point in their first year here – to suggest a 50 pound difference is a slap in the dick of this university.”
Bearington spent 14 hours in surgery to repair a fractured skull, two shattered legs, butthurtedness, and severe tickle burns. Minutes after his release from surgery, officers dragged Bearington to his holding cell in that one prison from “The Count of Monte Cristo.”
“People need to stop taking jokes so seriously,” Bearington said as he ate his gruel. “This entire university is so careful about everything – can you believe that they sent out a police report about a guy who accidentally bear-hugged girls? Now I make a fat joke about myself and get thrown in some prison from a movie I saw 10 years ago.”
Campus Basement would like to clarify Bearington’s statement by saying that “The Count of Monte Cristo” was actually a book before it was a movie. Bearington’s arrest is the first in Deaton’s new attack against those who speak poorly Mizzou, known as “The Inquisition Part II: Stop Bad-Mouthing Mizzou.”
“We’re tired of people making fun of Mizzou, like seriously, cut it out,” Deaton said. “Just because we suck in the SEC doesn’t mean that we aren’t a good university or have unhealthy dining halls or small penises. Especially not the penis one.”
The Inquisition Part II: Stop Bad-Mouthing Mizzou is the most recent display of insecurity in Columbians. Those that take themselves way too seriously have joined together to form lynch mobs to put haters to death.
“If you can’t take a joke, then you deserve to be made fun of,” Bearington said. “Taking yourself too seriously is the best way to tell everyone, ‘I have a small penis.’”