Robby Slawson, the victim in the accident, was pronounced dead by paramedics at 2 a.m. on Monday. Initial reports indicate that Slawson died from a combination of dehydration, exhaustion, asphyxiation and severe flatulence.
“It was a big mess…just, really really nasty,” fraternity brother Brandon Wrinkleman said. “I definitely think that we overworked the poor guy, but in the long run, I think this is the way that he would have wanted to go out – dried up like a prune, covered in vomit and butt stink.”
“Pomping” is a legal sweatshop practice where freshmen fraternity pledges are forced to roll tissue paper for hours at a time in order to decorate their fraternity’s Homecoming parade floats. Every weekend before Homecoming, fraternities and sororities participate in “Marathon Weekend,” where the work environment transitions from a sweatshop-like atmosphere to traditional pre-Civil War slavery conditions.
“Personally, I think he died because he talked to some fat ugly sorority girls,” super frat fraternity brother Gerund Kirchhoff said. “Am I right? I mean, isn’t that the funniest thing you’ve ever heard…fat ugly girls?”
Gerund later added, “I’m very lonely.”
Typically pledges are forced to stay up all night and are forbidden to leave the fraternity house until certain float sections have been completed. In extreme cases, pledges are whipped into submission by Pompmasters in order to increase productivity. Slawson had been rolling pomp paper for more than 36 straight hours when he died.
“If you think about it, then it’s worth the sacrifice,” fraternity brother Jake Fetcher said. “In my honest opinion, if someone doesn’t die during Marathon Weekend, then you’re doing Homecoming wrong.”
Alpha Sigma Sigma, the fraternity that Slawson was pledging for, considered holding a memorial for Slawson but decided to push through the sorrow. The fraternity president, 29-year-old dinosaur Rick O’Neill, gave a fiery, Ray Lewis-like speech to the fraternity Monday morning.
“Everyone in this room knows that Robby cared most about winning Homecoming,” he said. “When you graduate in nine years like me, you’ll be able to tell all of your future employers that you won Homecoming. It’s one of the few things that actually matter in this world.”
Brady Deaton released a statement regarding the tragedy and recognized Slawson for his bravery and sacrifice that he made.
“Robby Slawson will be remembered for at least a week after this sad day ends,” Deaton said. “What’s most important for students to do now, though, is to push through the pain of this tragedy and continue pomping so that we [Mizzou] can preserve our great tradition of Homecoming.”
After hearing about the accident, graduate brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma immediately set up a pomping scholarship. Early reports indicate that the graduate brothers have already raised over 5000 dollars to purchase better pomp boards and more pomping materials.
“We thought about raising money to fund a scholarship in honor of Robby,” grad brother Rick Sneezer said. “But after careful deliberation, we decided that Robby would have wanted us to raise money for pomping materials. To honor him.”